Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex
This is perhaps the most difficult topic for me since I began writing this blog in June. Sex is not rape and rape is not sex. Rape is a violent act of force. Sex is a pleasurable (hopefully) act of fun and possibly love. Rape is not sex and sex is not rape. Sex is consensual between all parties involved. Rape is nonconsensual. Sex feels good. Rape hurts. Sex is physical. Rape is physical. Sex often involves penetration. Rape often involves penetration. Sex is not rape and rape is not sex.
Why, then, do they feel connected? Why do women and men survivors share with me about how their sex life is affected by their sexual trauma? We have shared a similar sentiment: “I love my partner. I want to be intimate with them. But then I can’t get it out of my head. So, the moment is ruined.”
There really isn’t an easy explanation for this. The year following my attack, I slept with many different men. I consented each time, but I didn’t feel good about it in the morning. In understanding trauma responses and the healing process, I believe I was trying to recreate my rape so that it was not rape. It was a coping mechanism for me. 1 As I mentioned last month, I have been in three relationships since my attack. There were many weeks and sometimes months of “dry spells.” I just wasn’t in the mood. A lot of tears and fights erupted after weeks of patient understanding from both of us. In hindsight, there was something off with those relationships, which also played a big role in our declining intimacy.
It wasn’t until I reconnected with the pleasure and enjoyment of sex that I grasped the truth in the title- Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex. The difference is not just a mindset or a mood. It is also physical. For me, understanding and experiencing the physical pleasure sensations of sex was crucial in separating the two. In my town, there was a women’s sex shop offering great resources related to increasing sexual pleasure- books, toys, lubricant, and events with trained experts. Masturbation, or if you prefer calling it self-pleasure, helped me re-discover my physical response to sexual stimulation. In knowing my physical body, I am able to communicate with my partner about what I like. I look forward to sharing those moments with him now. It wasn’t easy in the beginning- I felt embarrassed and couldn’t get myself in the mood. Then I read a suggestion somewhere- set a date night with yourself, complete with all your favorite things. So, I lit some candles, played my favorite “in the mood” songs, took a bath, popped in my favorite rom com and enjoyed the moment.
I talked about a few points that I want to re-emphasize. Consent: know the law and know what consent means to you. Coercion is not consent. Know what you want to do and don’t change your mind in the moment unless you really want to. If you do decide to get help or reach out, be sure to thoroughly check credentials. There are great trauma specialists and sex resources out there, but you must be an informed consumer. Finally, you might consider reading the following book:
1 Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence- From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman, M.D.
