Girl Power- by Chicago Blogger Diane

One of my favorite parts of the movie "Miss Congeniality" is when Agent Gracie Hart, posing as contestant Gracie Lou Freebush, performs during the talent round of the Miss United States pageant. She originally wanted to play the glass harp but the other Miss United States contestants drink all the water out of the glass harp. So as a last minute decision, she decides to show the audience some self defense using the acronym S.I.N.G. (Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin). While it is a humorous scene to watch, the skill of self defense is no laughing matter.

Self-defense is a potential life saving skill. Taking a self defense class will give you more confidence and it can bring out that fighting spirit in you. Knowing how to defend yourself in an attack situation occurs, will give you confidence and peace of mind. For those in Chicago IMPACT Chicago is a great place to take a self defense class in the city. Founded in 1987, IMPACT "is committed to ending violence and building a non-violent world in which all people can live safely and with dignity"( www.impactchicago.org).  

In another scene in Miss Congeniality, the main character Agent Gracie and a beauty queen Cheryl Frasier are in a nightclub, Cheryl speaks of a time in college where her professor attacked her and she didn’t report it. When Gracie asks why she didn’t report the crime Cheryl speaks that her experience happens all the time and is not a big deal. It is a big deal; while statistics don’t lie 1 in 5 women in college will be a victim of sexual assault. This crime doesn’t have to be with prevention being the key to discussing this crime and the reality of it, before it becomes the normal experience.  Let’s start the discussion of why the crime of sexual assault needs to be not part of anyone’s coming of age experience. Send us your comments on ways to discuss breaking the silence of this crime at your school to gwen@leilagrace.org or tweet us. 

Sisterly Love by Courtney

Sisterly Love

Being a member of a sorority, I would like to think that I know my loyal sisters inside and out, however, when it comes to sexual assault, this is far from the case.  I find it extremely heartbreaking that I have spent hours upon hours sharing stories with the women I call my best friends, yet speaking about sexual assault is not commonly dinner-table conversation, to say the least. 

So when can this conversation take place?  When can these women have a chance to share their stories without feeling alienated or as if they are finally coming clean about something they feel they have kept from their sisters?  I understand speaking about one’s experience with sexual assault is not by any means a quick and easy process, so I wanted to give my sisters an opportunity to speak up in a private manner.

In order to do so, I sent out a survey to my entire sorority, in hopes that my sisters would feel comfortable sharing their personal views and stories in a completely anonymous manner.  Out of 10 questions, there was one in particular that really boggled my mind.  When asked the question “have you or someone you know ever been a victim of sexual assault?” 80% of my sisters, my best friends, responded “yes.”  I have heard time and time again, 1 out of 5 college women have been victimized by sexual assault, but this statistic sparked a personal realization when I acknowledged that there are women that live under the same roof as my own that have survived a sexual assault.  These are the women I sit next to at every meal, and who knows if they have ever shared their painful experience or if they are aware of the confidential resources available to them?

Survivors of sexual assault feel that their freedom of choice and ability to use their voice has been violently taken from them.  While I felt helpful in giving my sisters a voice through a survey, I feel that that is not nearly enough.  Within the Greek community at Indiana University, there is a program called “Safe Sisters,” which consists of a few women from each sorority that are supposed to emotionally support, provide resources and give a voice to their sisters following a sexual assault.  However, an alarming 70% of my sisters were not aware that these resources even exist within our chapter.   How will my sisters ever speak up about their experience if they are not even aware that they are living down the hall from a sister who is more than willing to listen and to be a shoulder to cry on?

This lack of awareness really got me thinking.  Crucial and proactive sexual assault prevention programs, such as Safe Sisters, and any other programs around campus need to be known!  Whether they are publicized through fliers around campus or spreading the word to other Greek organizations, awareness is a necessary factor in giving sexual assault survivors their voice back.

Post 1-Rape culture in today's society-By Blogger Soma

If you follow the Daily Beast, or even the Gawker Twitter account, you might have seen an opinion piece by one Rikki Kleiman regarding a rape allegation recently raised against Greg Kelly, a local NYC TV anchor and son of NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly. In the piece, Kleiman asserts that the real victim of this case is Greg Kelly, not the accuser. The comments made by Kleiman are surprising to say the least, especially if you consider her history - she used to prosecute rape cases in Massachusetts and is currently a member of the board for the Rape Treatment Center in Los Angeles, California. Her whole theory is that there is no way to know what happened when Kelly and his accuser went up to the accuser's office (where the rape allegedly occurred) and that all of the recently published "evidence" (published mostly by tabloids, hence the quotations) points towards a consensual relationship. So what is this recently published "evidence"? Sexual texts between Kelly and the accuser before and after their date, an alleged abortion of a pregnancy caused by the alleged rape, and the three-month delay in reporting the crime. Kleiman then goes on to bring up other high-profile rape allegations in which the defendant was falsely accused. In this same piece, she says things like "even a prostitute can be raped," but that there is no doubt that this woman who aggressively pursued Kelly and is just upset that he spurned her advances. She ends all of this with a statement on how we have to create an environment in which victims need to feel comfortable about reporting rape. 

It's a bit confusing, isn't it? To have a someone with a background like Kleiman's say these things. Her comments about how Kelly's accuser is just doing this out of anger and spite because he didn't like her - comments like that are exactly what create an unwelcoming environment for rape victims. By writing something like this, she and the Daily Beast have just stoked the flames of insecurity that so many victims experience. It would be one thing to derive a judgement if the published "evidence" was presented in a trial, but to take the words of numerous tabloids as fact is highly irresponsible. This case is only about a week old, and for anyone to question the accuser's character at this point is premature. Why don't we all wait to see if this even goes to trial, which will be a whole other unsettling issue if it doesn't.

Leila Grace Foundation Blog Post #1- January- Diane

What is compassion? Compassion is the “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Most of us exemplify compassion in our daily lives- when we give some spare change to someone that is homeless, when we offer to help a classmate with math problems that they are struggling with, or when we help a friend have a good time after a painful breakup.

The one area where compassion seems to be lacking is in the cases of sexual assault and rape. Some people have a lack of compassion for survivors of these tragedies. They reason that the victims “asked for it” because of the way they were dressed or the way they acted.  These people don’t understand how their lack of compassion affects the survivors. What these people need to understand is that it is not the survivors’ fault. They were not asking to be assaulted or raped. Survivors go through enough mental turmoil following the incidences; they don’t need more of it from insensitive people.

While it may be hard for people to comfort or understand what a survivor is going through, demonstrating compassion is a good first step. If the survivor wants to share what happened, listen to them. Actually try to understand what they are going through but don’t pretend you already know. Second, give your support. Offer to go with them to the hospital or police station. Show that you want to accompany them so they don’t have to go alone. Just having you there could mean the world to the survivors.

Healing Journey

Healing Journey 

I can’t believe the end of the year is upon us.  To close out the year, I have re-read the blogs I have written.  Here are the titles:

• May- Healing Journey/I Said Nothing
• June- How often do you think about the attack?
• July- What about dating?
• August- What about have the conversation?
• September- Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex
• October- Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly, & Sexual Assault Prevention
• November- Will it ever stop?

The first thing that strikes me is four out of the seven blog titles are questions and one is a slash.  I think, in general, whatever comes after the slash is closer to the truth.  The after-slash title was the first title of May’s blog.  I did say nothing.  This haunts me the most of that entire situation.  I did not respond in the way I always said I would if something like that happened to me.  On the contrary, I became Silence.  More guarded than Fort Knox, Silence ran my life for a long time. 
If I could re-write the story from the beginning of the night, it would go like this:
I am so excited to hang out with my friends tonight.  We haven’t all been together in so long.  Two hours later. Whoa, I am feeling pretty drunk.  I better slow down.  Shit, I am going to puke.  I look at my friends and ask them to take me home.  This is unlike me and I just need some fresh air, my own bed, and some water. 
If I could re-write the story from the point of leaving the bar, it would go like this:
“Jayne, do you want me to take you home?”  “No,” I say.  “I will get a ride with your brother, his friend, and Rick.”  Upon our return home.  “We want to hook up.  Can Rick sleep in your bed?”  I reply with a “Nope.  Sorry about that.  I need some sleep and you can hook up with Rick passed out on the next couch if you really want.”
If I could re-write the story from the moment I woke up, face down, suffocating on the sheets, with my body being invaded.
“What the fuck?”  I scream.  Yell “Stop.  Get off me.  I don’t want this. No.”  I fight until he stops.  I kick him out of my house.  I call the police and press charges. 
Many questions run through my mind about how and why I did not do anything to stand up for myself, to fight back, to stop him from hurting other women.  Perhaps this is why over half the blog titles are questions.  Perhaps this is why I have spent so much of the last ten years advocating for what is right, even when it is against the odds.  I have been trained in Bystander Intervention.  I have created “Responsible drinking” campaigns.  I have served the underprivileged and disadvantaged. In a way, this work empowers me the way I wish I was empowered that night. 
The two titles that are clear, concise statements reflect the solutions that have worked for me on my healing journey.  Both very personal, yet applicable to the situation in general.  If more people understood and embraced their sexual development, perhaps we would have a cultural norm that respected sex and physical intimacy between people.  If more people knew how to intervene, perhaps perpetrators’ friends would stop them.  After all, peer pressure goes a long way.  Finally, if we responsibly partied, maybe a lot of this would be preventable.
Ultimately, I don’t know the one right way for all people to respond should they find themselves victims and survivors of sexual assault.  There are so many ways.  I suppose my one piece of advice (among many throughout the blogs) is to talk to a professional as soon as possible who will help you understand your rights, who has only your best interest at heart.  Most major cities and universities have a sexual assault response center and/or women’s center with staff trained specially in this area.  Ask for help. 
As my time writing for the Leila Grace Foundation blog comes to a close, I hope a tiny morsel of information has helped you.  At the very least, I hope it has increased your awareness of a personal, real-life story of friend rape.  This monthly reflection has been invaluable for my own healing journey.   Thank you for reading and please let me know how I might help you on your journey.

Will It Ever Stop?

I talked about Bystander Intervention last month.  This month, Penn State explodes.  I am sickened by the tragedy inflicted on the young boys, families, athletes, and community because 1 man was not stopped despite reports of more than 1 person suspecting him.  We see this over and over.  Jacey Dugard.  Elizabeth Smart.  The Catholic Church.  In one minute, I just counted 16 people who have shared about their experience with sexual assault after hearing about mine.  Will it ever stop? 

There are times when I am particularly disheartened, discouraged, and feel great sadness and despair because I just don’t know if the epidemic of sexual assault will ever decrease, let alone end.  The week the Penn State tragedy hit the news, I found myself slipping into one of those hopeless spaces.  I ask all the same questions- Why?  How could this happen?  What were they thinking?  I am easily distracted and my energy is lower.  I am also easily irritated and have low tolerance for any form of disrespect and injustice.  I find myself wanting information and seeking out articles beyond what the popular media covers. 

There have been times in the past when these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors were so overwhelming that they did interfere with my daily functioning.  I wouldn’t want to get out of bed and I wondered what the point of life is.  I wished I could be one of those people who just doesn’t care about anything except shopping, lunching, and getting my nails done.  Now, I recognize the signs more readily.  Instead of bracing myself for a long battle with my despair, I try to give it a voice, a space to express itself.  I remind myself that it is o.k. to be angry, sad, in despair, hopeless, irritated.  These feelings validate the tragedy.

This month, I also took it one step further.  I decided to connect with articles or resources showcasing advocacy, prevention and intervention work, and social justice. 

Here is what I found when I Googled “Sexual Assault Prevention”:

1.      United States Department of Defense, Sexual Assault Prevention and Response (and each military branch has their own version), http://www.sapr.mil/index.php/saam

2.      RAINN, The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-prevention

3.      Stop It Now! Together we can prevent the sexual abuse of children, http://www.stopitnow.org/

4.      Sexual Assault Prevention Program in Athens County, Ohio, http://saprevention.org/

5.      National Sexual Violence Resource Center, http://www.nsvrc.org/

Here is what I found when I Googled “Datiing Violence Prevention”:

6.      Dating Violence Prevention Center, http://www.datingviolence.org/

7.      Center for Disease Control & Prevention, Violence Prevention, http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/ and Choose Respect, http://www.cdc.gov/chooserespect/

8.      Liz Claiborne’s Love is Not Abuse, http://loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/home

9.      The National Resource Center for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, http://www.teendvmonth.org/

10.  Love is Respect, http://www.loveisrespect.org/

11.  American Bar Association, National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative, http://www.americanbar.org/groups/public_education/initiatives_awards/national_teen_dating_violence_prevention_initiative.html

12.  Veto Violence, http://www.vetoviolence.org/index.html

There are so many more that come up on Google for each of these.  Then I began thinking about the programs with which I am associated, of which many are included in past blogs.

13.  Leila Grace Foundation, http://www.leilagrace.org/

14.  The Red Flag Campaign, http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/

15.  HEART- Help End Abusive Relationships Today by Dr. Danica Hays and Becky Michel

16.  Bystander Intervention, Dr. Alan Berkowitz, http://www.alanberkowitz.com/index.php

17.  VDAY, (Vagina Monologues), http://www.vday.org/about/more-about

18.  Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, (I visited this summer for a class), http://www.drcc.ie/

In 20 minutes, I found 18 tremendous resources capturing thousands of people’s dedication to preventing sexual violence.  I guess what I am trying to say is give yourself a moment to feel despair by supporting yourself through it.  You might need and/or want to see a counselor or therapist during these times.  You might simply remind yourself of all the amazing ways people are healing the world by doing a Google search.  There is not one “right” way to cope with these feelings.  The only “wrong” way is by not surrounding yourself with the support you need to move through it.  Taking care of yourself is the most important part of the healing process. 

Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly & Sexual Assault Prevention

The Red Flag Campaign, an organization dedicated to preventing dating violence on college campuses, provides the following statistics¹:

·         350 incidents of rape occur in a given year on a campus with 10,000 students.

·         75% of male students and 55% of female students who have been raped report that they had been under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

·         60% of rapes that occurred on campus took place in the victim’s residence, 31% took place in other campus residence halls, and 10% took place in fraternities.

·         9 out of 10 victims knew their perpetrator.

Four hundred students lived in my residence hall freshmen year and my campus had about 10,000 students.  Hypothetically, this means that all but 50 of us represent the number of rapes that occurred each year and 315 of us knew the perpetrator.   Furthermore, 210 rape incidents took place in my residence hall and over half involved some form of partying. 

I wish this surprised me, but it does not.  My rape involved copious amounts of alcohol, occurred in my home, and the perpetrator was a friend I had known for eight years.  For a long time, I thought I might have prevented it had I not been drunk and passed out.  This does not mean that I believe it was my fault because it wasn’t.  It also does not me I think I deserved it because I was drunk and passed out.  Last time I checked, getting drunk, making sure I left the bar with friends in a cab, and passing out in my own bed was actually the “responsible” thing to do when alcohol was involved.  So, if I did everything “right,” why did this happen?

I believe two major preventative measures are necessary to really begin to shift the statistics listed above.  All are equally important, so I will introduce them in alphabetical order- Bystander Intervention, and Party Responsibly.  The first is Bystander Intervention.  This means that everyone must take a stand, even if it means confronting a friend who you suspect of being a perpetrator.  The Red Flag Campaign says, “When you see a Red Flag, say something.”  Confronting friends is hard, but seeing friends in pain is harder.  Dr. Alan Berkowitz², a licensed psychologist who specializes bystander intervention, shares many great resources to help you confront your friend.  The first is to maintain your safety, and the second is to intervene directly or indirectly as soon as possible.  This could include anonymously calling the police, confronting the perpetrator with a group of people, and staying with the potential victim until the threat is over.  Please visit his website below for more resources.

Party Responsibly.  The majority of us drink in college and some do drugs.  What does it feel like to be buzzed?  What does it feel like to be drunk or high?  At what point, do you loose control?  One beer and one shot?  Five shots and three beers?  More?  Less?  What is your plan to get home?  Who are your “buddies” for the night?  What are your limits with physical intimacy?  How do those change when you are buzzed, drunk, or high?  What do your friends think of as “cool” partying?  Is it the one who can drink the most?  Or the one who can maintain a buzz and simply have fun?  These questions are meant to encourage reflection on what responsible partying means for you.  “Partying” is not a bad thing.  “Partying Irresponsibly” is.  I simply ask that you answer these questions for yourself.  If any of your answers are cause for a red flag signaling that you might be irresponsible, make a change in your partying behavior.  There is a way to have fun and be safe. 

¹“Sexual and Dating Violence on Campuses: Research,” http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/resources/sexual-and-dating-violence-on-campuses-research/, retrieved on November 23, 2011.

²Berkowitz, Alan. “Resources on Bystander Behavior Compiled in 2009,” http://www.alanberkowitz.com/bystander_behavior.php, retrieved on November 23, 2011.