How often do you think about your attack?

How often do you think about your attack? Each day, hour? Every week or so? Or does months, maybe even years go by without a thought? I was asked this once by a friend trying to understand why, after so long, my attack continues to affect me. My knee jerk reaction was to say “you just don’t get it and I’m sorry to continue bringing it up.” I imagined leaving that dinner and cutting her out of my life forever. Because how could such a great friend question why the attack still affects my daily life? At that moment in time, the rape was the defining moment in my life. After all it had only been one year since I began actively healing. Didn’t she understand that memories haunt, helplessness is terrifying and shame is paralyzing?

I look back on that dinner and realize that the answer is no, she did not understand because she could not understand. I wonder, is she at fault for asking that question since she really could not understand? In the thick of it, I did not know how to say the memories haunt me sometimes and when they creep in, I feel shame, terror, anger and sadness. I did not know how to say it will pass and I appreciate her listening even when it seems like a broken record. I did not know how to say I would also appreciate hearing words of reassurance that I am not alone, and encouragement reminding me of my strengths. This would leave me vulnerable because what if she said I am alone since she didn’t understand? I did not want to risk feeling so alone because I was alone during the attack.

She and I are no longer friends. Instead of walking out silently and never talking to her again, I got angry. I said some terrible things to her that made her out to be a horrendous monster. In fact, at one point I told her that she would be a better friend if she had been raped, too, which in a way wished that upon her. I was the horrendous monster. In all honesty, she and I weren’t very good friends for many reasons. I do believe eventually, our friendship would have fizzled out, so I don’t feel bad for the end of the friendship. I do feel bad for my behavior- those words so spiteful and venomous dripping in pain.

Today, I don’t think about the attack very often. I don’t see it as the defining moment in my life. Rather it is one of many moments in my life that continue to shape who I am. I am much clearer about friendships with fewer friends and more acquaintances. I try to share more honestly when asked questions about the rape’s effect on my life. I try to use these as teachable moments and believe the asker is coming from a genuinely caring place.

Trust continues to be a value I grapple with. Because my attacker was someone I had a long-standing “friendship” with, I have often questioned my trustworthiness in selecting friendships. In the instance described above, I can see how my lack of confidence in trusting myself came into play. I felt attacked by her question and responded in a protective way. However, since then, I have learned to trust my intuition. I am learning how to act on those trusted intuitions with dignity and respect. Friendships and close relationships are vital to my wellness, so learning how to nurture the great ones and limit the toxic ones is key. My relationship with me has also grown strong, as my trust in my intuition has returned. The process continues each day, some being more intentional than others.