When is it time to have “the conversation?"

When is it time to have “the conversation?”

If you have been sexually assaulted and/or dated someone who has for a long enough period of time, you have had “the conversation.”  The I-have-to-tell-him-about-it conversation.  This is Step 3 to which I referred in my last post.  When is it the right time to tell your significant other (or someone you want to be your significant other) about your experience?  And then, how do you bring it up?  What is point of telling them?  How will their reaction impact the relationship?  Maybe even, do I have to tell them? 

For me, the right time is not clear-cut.  Of course in the beginning, I felt like I had to tell whomever I dated because it had such significance on my life.  This was short lived as the first person I told said “Oh no, your one of the crazy ones.”  I obviously never saw him again and realized I needed to get to know the person first and let them get to know me.

In the three significant relationships (1+ years) I have been in since the attack, the time came when it just felt right to share.  I was comfortable in the relationship.  I trusted the other person to not judge me negatively, although I was not sure how it might impact our relationship.  The relationship was at the point where we started sharing deeper aspects of ourselves. 

           

I cried to my best guy friend the first time I had to do this.  I was petrified that the guy I was dating would think I was “one of the crazy ones” or that our physical attraction would be negatively impacted.  “That experience does not define you.”  My friend reminded me that this is one of many experiences and that anyone I am with who cares about me will see that.  He has been a true source of strength, support and encouragement throughout my healing journey.

           

The conversation with the first significant other went like this:

Me:  I was sexually assaulted.  I just thought you should know.

Him:  Oh.  That sucks.

The second conversation went like this:

Me: So, I have something to share with you that is hard for me to share.  I was raped in 2002.

Him:  Hmm.  I am sorry to hear that.  What are the subsequent ramifications of that?  What have you done to heal?  What can I do?

The most recent conversation was different because we started out as friends and classmates.  Through that, he learned of my attack.  Since we started dating we have talked about it a few times in conversations about our lives and hardships we’ve overcome.  I shared with him that leading up to and during the weekend of the anniversary, I sometimes am sad, anxious and have a shorter fuse.  I let him know that I am not always aware that this is happening.  He has also shared that the experience does not impact his perception of me negatively and that he values my strength, insight and awareness.  This conversation felt the most natural as it comes up organically in conversations between us. 

Stay tuned…the September post will tackle the Sex.

What about dating?

In June, I shared about my on-going challenges related to trust, both of myself and of friends.  Dating and significant relationships are the next logical steps in the discussion about trust.  As I mentioned, trusting my intuition is an important element of my healing process.  As a heterosexual woman, I am attracted to men.  This was perhaps one of the most confusing and painful aspects of healing.  How can I continue to be attracted to someone with the potential to rape me?  Even though I am fortunate to know more men who are of sound character and would never dream of attacking a woman, I was still confused, scared, angry with and untrusting of men, in general for a long time.  At one point I remember tearfully sharing with my father “I don’t want to hate all men anymore.” I believe my desire to stop carrying the burden of hatred coupled with intense counseling with a specialist in treating PTSD/sexual assault survivors are the reasons I am no longer gripped by this believe. 

This was the first step, which actually seemed fairly easy in hindsight compared to the second and third steps.  The second step is actually starting to go on dates again.  What does that even look like?  What if I freak out?  How will I stay safe?  What if he tries to come on to me?  It took a lot of coaxing and encouragement from friends and family to get me to actually go on a date.  I was very intentional about where and when these dates took place.  Daytime activities and activities involving trusted friends seemed to ease my anxiety.  I often paid my own way as I thought this would minimize any expectation of a “good night kiss” or something more.  I was also very conscious about flirting as I enjoy innocent flirting, but was unsure about when flirting became an invitation for something more. 

The first couple dates were pretty painful in that I was painfully self-conscious and anxious.  I didn’t feel like myself and I am sure came off very guarded.  I’ll share a story to illustrate this time.  I met a guy on the airplane returning from visiting my family.  We had a nice conversation on the plane that lasted until our bags unloaded.  He asked for my number so we could “hang out sometime.”  My guards shot up, not because he was at all creepy or really even coming on to me, but because of the potential for him to come on to me at some unforeseen time in the future.  I gave him my number, silently reminding myself that I can always decline to see him again and reassuring myself that based on the good conversation we had already had, what harm would there be in coffee?  After a few phone conversations, I agreed to go to dinner with him.  He was a respectable man on a date- never made a move, asked inquiring questions about me, shared stories about himself, etc.  In the back of my mind, I was waiting for something to show that he really was not a good guy.  Well it came…in the form of a political debate related to federal spending and tax structures that started out friendly and ended with me drawing a thick line in the sand between us.  Based on his responses, I was convinced that he was just another A-hole with traditional, conservative beliefs that would inevitably result in me having to take on the traditional female gender role.  I stormed off after the date and never spoke to him again. 

I smile when I think of this interaction because he actually never did say those things.  He was simply making a point about the benefits of a more conservative federal budget.  Perhaps I did not need to draw such a tough line. 

I decided at that point that I needed help from my friends and family about how to respond reasonably in these situations.  Almost a litmus test or a re-centering of the internal compass that helps me stay on track without feeling as though I am being attacked, yet asserts healthy boundaries.  I organized monthly meetings with friends, simply called “Discussion Group.”  We met at new venues in the area and discussed a different topic each month, such as “When is enough enough?” and “How do you flirt with balance (so you don’t get in a predicament, but you have fun)?”  These discussions were lively and helped me reconnect with my intuition AND know how to respond assertively and respectfully. 

Read next month’s blog for Step 3: When is it time to have “the conversation?”