When is it time to have “the conversation?"

When is it time to have “the conversation?”

If you have been sexually assaulted and/or dated someone who has for a long enough period of time, you have had “the conversation.”  The I-have-to-tell-him-about-it conversation.  This is Step 3 to which I referred in my last post.  When is it the right time to tell your significant other (or someone you want to be your significant other) about your experience?  And then, how do you bring it up?  What is point of telling them?  How will their reaction impact the relationship?  Maybe even, do I have to tell them? 

For me, the right time is not clear-cut.  Of course in the beginning, I felt like I had to tell whomever I dated because it had such significance on my life.  This was short lived as the first person I told said “Oh no, your one of the crazy ones.”  I obviously never saw him again and realized I needed to get to know the person first and let them get to know me.

In the three significant relationships (1+ years) I have been in since the attack, the time came when it just felt right to share.  I was comfortable in the relationship.  I trusted the other person to not judge me negatively, although I was not sure how it might impact our relationship.  The relationship was at the point where we started sharing deeper aspects of ourselves. 

           

I cried to my best guy friend the first time I had to do this.  I was petrified that the guy I was dating would think I was “one of the crazy ones” or that our physical attraction would be negatively impacted.  “That experience does not define you.”  My friend reminded me that this is one of many experiences and that anyone I am with who cares about me will see that.  He has been a true source of strength, support and encouragement throughout my healing journey.

           

The conversation with the first significant other went like this:

Me:  I was sexually assaulted.  I just thought you should know.

Him:  Oh.  That sucks.

The second conversation went like this:

Me: So, I have something to share with you that is hard for me to share.  I was raped in 2002.

Him:  Hmm.  I am sorry to hear that.  What are the subsequent ramifications of that?  What have you done to heal?  What can I do?

The most recent conversation was different because we started out as friends and classmates.  Through that, he learned of my attack.  Since we started dating we have talked about it a few times in conversations about our lives and hardships we’ve overcome.  I shared with him that leading up to and during the weekend of the anniversary, I sometimes am sad, anxious and have a shorter fuse.  I let him know that I am not always aware that this is happening.  He has also shared that the experience does not impact his perception of me negatively and that he values my strength, insight and awareness.  This conversation felt the most natural as it comes up organically in conversations between us. 

Stay tuned…the September post will tackle the Sex.