Post 1-Rape culture in today's society-By Blogger Soma

If you follow the Daily Beast, or even the Gawker Twitter account, you might have seen an opinion piece by one Rikki Kleiman regarding a rape allegation recently raised against Greg Kelly, a local NYC TV anchor and son of NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly. In the piece, Kleiman asserts that the real victim of this case is Greg Kelly, not the accuser. The comments made by Kleiman are surprising to say the least, especially if you consider her history - she used to prosecute rape cases in Massachusetts and is currently a member of the board for the Rape Treatment Center in Los Angeles, California. Her whole theory is that there is no way to know what happened when Kelly and his accuser went up to the accuser's office (where the rape allegedly occurred) and that all of the recently published "evidence" (published mostly by tabloids, hence the quotations) points towards a consensual relationship. So what is this recently published "evidence"? Sexual texts between Kelly and the accuser before and after their date, an alleged abortion of a pregnancy caused by the alleged rape, and the three-month delay in reporting the crime. Kleiman then goes on to bring up other high-profile rape allegations in which the defendant was falsely accused. In this same piece, she says things like "even a prostitute can be raped," but that there is no doubt that this woman who aggressively pursued Kelly and is just upset that he spurned her advances. She ends all of this with a statement on how we have to create an environment in which victims need to feel comfortable about reporting rape. 

It's a bit confusing, isn't it? To have a someone with a background like Kleiman's say these things. Her comments about how Kelly's accuser is just doing this out of anger and spite because he didn't like her - comments like that are exactly what create an unwelcoming environment for rape victims. By writing something like this, she and the Daily Beast have just stoked the flames of insecurity that so many victims experience. It would be one thing to derive a judgement if the published "evidence" was presented in a trial, but to take the words of numerous tabloids as fact is highly irresponsible. This case is only about a week old, and for anyone to question the accuser's character at this point is premature. Why don't we all wait to see if this even goes to trial, which will be a whole other unsettling issue if it doesn't.

Leila Grace Foundation Blog Post #1- January- Diane

What is compassion? Compassion is the “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Most of us exemplify compassion in our daily lives- when we give some spare change to someone that is homeless, when we offer to help a classmate with math problems that they are struggling with, or when we help a friend have a good time after a painful breakup.

The one area where compassion seems to be lacking is in the cases of sexual assault and rape. Some people have a lack of compassion for survivors of these tragedies. They reason that the victims “asked for it” because of the way they were dressed or the way they acted.  These people don’t understand how their lack of compassion affects the survivors. What these people need to understand is that it is not the survivors’ fault. They were not asking to be assaulted or raped. Survivors go through enough mental turmoil following the incidences; they don’t need more of it from insensitive people.

While it may be hard for people to comfort or understand what a survivor is going through, demonstrating compassion is a good first step. If the survivor wants to share what happened, listen to them. Actually try to understand what they are going through but don’t pretend you already know. Second, give your support. Offer to go with them to the hospital or police station. Show that you want to accompany them so they don’t have to go alone. Just having you there could mean the world to the survivors.

Healing Journey

Healing Journey 

I can’t believe the end of the year is upon us.  To close out the year, I have re-read the blogs I have written.  Here are the titles:

• May- Healing Journey/I Said Nothing
• June- How often do you think about the attack?
• July- What about dating?
• August- What about have the conversation?
• September- Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex
• October- Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly, & Sexual Assault Prevention
• November- Will it ever stop?

The first thing that strikes me is four out of the seven blog titles are questions and one is a slash.  I think, in general, whatever comes after the slash is closer to the truth.  The after-slash title was the first title of May’s blog.  I did say nothing.  This haunts me the most of that entire situation.  I did not respond in the way I always said I would if something like that happened to me.  On the contrary, I became Silence.  More guarded than Fort Knox, Silence ran my life for a long time. 
If I could re-write the story from the beginning of the night, it would go like this:
I am so excited to hang out with my friends tonight.  We haven’t all been together in so long.  Two hours later. Whoa, I am feeling pretty drunk.  I better slow down.  Shit, I am going to puke.  I look at my friends and ask them to take me home.  This is unlike me and I just need some fresh air, my own bed, and some water. 
If I could re-write the story from the point of leaving the bar, it would go like this:
“Jayne, do you want me to take you home?”  “No,” I say.  “I will get a ride with your brother, his friend, and Rick.”  Upon our return home.  “We want to hook up.  Can Rick sleep in your bed?”  I reply with a “Nope.  Sorry about that.  I need some sleep and you can hook up with Rick passed out on the next couch if you really want.”
If I could re-write the story from the moment I woke up, face down, suffocating on the sheets, with my body being invaded.
“What the fuck?”  I scream.  Yell “Stop.  Get off me.  I don’t want this. No.”  I fight until he stops.  I kick him out of my house.  I call the police and press charges. 
Many questions run through my mind about how and why I did not do anything to stand up for myself, to fight back, to stop him from hurting other women.  Perhaps this is why over half the blog titles are questions.  Perhaps this is why I have spent so much of the last ten years advocating for what is right, even when it is against the odds.  I have been trained in Bystander Intervention.  I have created “Responsible drinking” campaigns.  I have served the underprivileged and disadvantaged. In a way, this work empowers me the way I wish I was empowered that night. 
The two titles that are clear, concise statements reflect the solutions that have worked for me on my healing journey.  Both very personal, yet applicable to the situation in general.  If more people understood and embraced their sexual development, perhaps we would have a cultural norm that respected sex and physical intimacy between people.  If more people knew how to intervene, perhaps perpetrators’ friends would stop them.  After all, peer pressure goes a long way.  Finally, if we responsibly partied, maybe a lot of this would be preventable.
Ultimately, I don’t know the one right way for all people to respond should they find themselves victims and survivors of sexual assault.  There are so many ways.  I suppose my one piece of advice (among many throughout the blogs) is to talk to a professional as soon as possible who will help you understand your rights, who has only your best interest at heart.  Most major cities and universities have a sexual assault response center and/or women’s center with staff trained specially in this area.  Ask for help. 
As my time writing for the Leila Grace Foundation blog comes to a close, I hope a tiny morsel of information has helped you.  At the very least, I hope it has increased your awareness of a personal, real-life story of friend rape.  This monthly reflection has been invaluable for my own healing journey.   Thank you for reading and please let me know how I might help you on your journey.