Healing Journey

Healing Journey 

I can’t believe the end of the year is upon us.  To close out the year, I have re-read the blogs I have written.  Here are the titles:

• May- Healing Journey/I Said Nothing
• June- How often do you think about the attack?
• July- What about dating?
• August- What about have the conversation?
• September- Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex
• October- Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly, & Sexual Assault Prevention
• November- Will it ever stop?

The first thing that strikes me is four out of the seven blog titles are questions and one is a slash.  I think, in general, whatever comes after the slash is closer to the truth.  The after-slash title was the first title of May’s blog.  I did say nothing.  This haunts me the most of that entire situation.  I did not respond in the way I always said I would if something like that happened to me.  On the contrary, I became Silence.  More guarded than Fort Knox, Silence ran my life for a long time. 
If I could re-write the story from the beginning of the night, it would go like this:
I am so excited to hang out with my friends tonight.  We haven’t all been together in so long.  Two hours later. Whoa, I am feeling pretty drunk.  I better slow down.  Shit, I am going to puke.  I look at my friends and ask them to take me home.  This is unlike me and I just need some fresh air, my own bed, and some water. 
If I could re-write the story from the point of leaving the bar, it would go like this:
“Jayne, do you want me to take you home?”  “No,” I say.  “I will get a ride with your brother, his friend, and Rick.”  Upon our return home.  “We want to hook up.  Can Rick sleep in your bed?”  I reply with a “Nope.  Sorry about that.  I need some sleep and you can hook up with Rick passed out on the next couch if you really want.”
If I could re-write the story from the moment I woke up, face down, suffocating on the sheets, with my body being invaded.
“What the fuck?”  I scream.  Yell “Stop.  Get off me.  I don’t want this. No.”  I fight until he stops.  I kick him out of my house.  I call the police and press charges. 
Many questions run through my mind about how and why I did not do anything to stand up for myself, to fight back, to stop him from hurting other women.  Perhaps this is why over half the blog titles are questions.  Perhaps this is why I have spent so much of the last ten years advocating for what is right, even when it is against the odds.  I have been trained in Bystander Intervention.  I have created “Responsible drinking” campaigns.  I have served the underprivileged and disadvantaged. In a way, this work empowers me the way I wish I was empowered that night. 
The two titles that are clear, concise statements reflect the solutions that have worked for me on my healing journey.  Both very personal, yet applicable to the situation in general.  If more people understood and embraced their sexual development, perhaps we would have a cultural norm that respected sex and physical intimacy between people.  If more people knew how to intervene, perhaps perpetrators’ friends would stop them.  After all, peer pressure goes a long way.  Finally, if we responsibly partied, maybe a lot of this would be preventable.
Ultimately, I don’t know the one right way for all people to respond should they find themselves victims and survivors of sexual assault.  There are so many ways.  I suppose my one piece of advice (among many throughout the blogs) is to talk to a professional as soon as possible who will help you understand your rights, who has only your best interest at heart.  Most major cities and universities have a sexual assault response center and/or women’s center with staff trained specially in this area.  Ask for help. 
As my time writing for the Leila Grace Foundation blog comes to a close, I hope a tiny morsel of information has helped you.  At the very least, I hope it has increased your awareness of a personal, real-life story of friend rape.  This monthly reflection has been invaluable for my own healing journey.   Thank you for reading and please let me know how I might help you on your journey.