In June, I shared about my on-going challenges related to trust, both of myself and of friends. Dating and significant relationships are the next logical steps in the discussion about trust. As I mentioned, trusting my intuition is an important element of my healing process. As a heterosexual woman, I am attracted to men. This was perhaps one of the most confusing and painful aspects of healing. How can I continue to be attracted to someone with the potential to rape me? Even though I am fortunate to know more men who are of sound character and would never dream of attacking a woman, I was still confused, scared, angry with and untrusting of men, in general for a long time. At one point I remember tearfully sharing with my father “I don’t want to hate all men anymore.” I believe my desire to stop carrying the burden of hatred coupled with intense counseling with a specialist in treating PTSD/sexual assault survivors are the reasons I am no longer gripped by this believe.
This was the first step, which actually seemed fairly easy in hindsight compared to the second and third steps. The second step is actually starting to go on dates again. What does that even look like? What if I freak out? How will I stay safe? What if he tries to come on to me? It took a lot of coaxing and encouragement from friends and family to get me to actually go on a date. I was very intentional about where and when these dates took place. Daytime activities and activities involving trusted friends seemed to ease my anxiety. I often paid my own way as I thought this would minimize any expectation of a “good night kiss” or something more. I was also very conscious about flirting as I enjoy innocent flirting, but was unsure about when flirting became an invitation for something more.
The first couple dates were pretty painful in that I was painfully self-conscious and anxious. I didn’t feel like myself and I am sure came off very guarded. I’ll share a story to illustrate this time. I met a guy on the airplane returning from visiting my family. We had a nice conversation on the plane that lasted until our bags unloaded. He asked for my number so we could “hang out sometime.” My guards shot up, not because he was at all creepy or really even coming on to me, but because of the potential for him to come on to me at some unforeseen time in the future. I gave him my number, silently reminding myself that I can always decline to see him again and reassuring myself that based on the good conversation we had already had, what harm would there be in coffee? After a few phone conversations, I agreed to go to dinner with him. He was a respectable man on a date- never made a move, asked inquiring questions about me, shared stories about himself, etc. In the back of my mind, I was waiting for something to show that he really was not a good guy. Well it came…in the form of a political debate related to federal spending and tax structures that started out friendly and ended with me drawing a thick line in the sand between us. Based on his responses, I was convinced that he was just another A-hole with traditional, conservative beliefs that would inevitably result in me having to take on the traditional female gender role. I stormed off after the date and never spoke to him again.
I smile when I think of this interaction because he actually never did say those things. He was simply making a point about the benefits of a more conservative federal budget. Perhaps I did not need to draw such a tough line.
I decided at that point that I needed help from my friends and family about how to respond reasonably in these situations. Almost a litmus test or a re-centering of the internal compass that helps me stay on track without feeling as though I am being attacked, yet asserts healthy boundaries. I organized monthly meetings with friends, simply called “Discussion Group.” We met at new venues in the area and discussed a different topic each month, such as “When is enough enough?” and “How do you flirt with balance (so you don’t get in a predicament, but you have fun)?” These discussions were lively and helped me reconnect with my intuition AND know how to respond assertively and respectfully.
Read next month’s blog for Step 3: When is it time to have “the conversation?”
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