Will It Ever Stop?

I talked about Bystander Intervention last month.  This month, Penn State explodes.  I am sickened by the tragedy inflicted on the young boys, families, athletes, and community because 1 man was not stopped despite reports of more than 1 person suspecting him.  We see this over and over.  Jacey Dugard.  Elizabeth Smart.  The Catholic Church.  In one minute, I just counted 16 people who have shared about their experience with sexual assault after hearing about mine.  Will it ever stop? 

There are times when I am particularly disheartened, discouraged, and feel great sadness and despair because I just don’t know if the epidemic of sexual assault will ever decrease, let alone end.  The week the Penn State tragedy hit the news, I found myself slipping into one of those hopeless spaces.  I ask all the same questions- Why?  How could this happen?  What were they thinking?  I am easily distracted and my energy is lower.  I am also easily irritated and have low tolerance for any form of disrespect and injustice.  I find myself wanting information and seeking out articles beyond what the popular media covers. 

There have been times in the past when these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors were so overwhelming that they did interfere with my daily functioning.  I wouldn’t want to get out of bed and I wondered what the point of life is.  I wished I could be one of those people who just doesn’t care about anything except shopping, lunching, and getting my nails done.  Now, I recognize the signs more readily.  Instead of bracing myself for a long battle with my despair, I try to give it a voice, a space to express itself.  I remind myself that it is o.k. to be angry, sad, in despair, hopeless, irritated.  These feelings validate the tragedy.

This month, I also took it one step further.  I decided to connect with articles or resources showcasing advocacy, prevention and intervention work, and social justice. 

Here is what I found when I Googled “Sexual Assault Prevention”:

1.      United States Department of Defense, Sexual Assault Prevention and Response (and each military branch has their own version), http://www.sapr.mil/index.php/saam

2.      RAINN, The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-prevention

3.      Stop It Now! Together we can prevent the sexual abuse of children, http://www.stopitnow.org/

4.      Sexual Assault Prevention Program in Athens County, Ohio, http://saprevention.org/

5.      National Sexual Violence Resource Center, http://www.nsvrc.org/

Here is what I found when I Googled “Datiing Violence Prevention”:

6.      Dating Violence Prevention Center, http://www.datingviolence.org/

7.      Center for Disease Control & Prevention, Violence Prevention, http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/ and Choose Respect, http://www.cdc.gov/chooserespect/

8.      Liz Claiborne’s Love is Not Abuse, http://loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/home

9.      The National Resource Center for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, http://www.teendvmonth.org/

10.  Love is Respect, http://www.loveisrespect.org/

11.  American Bar Association, National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative, http://www.americanbar.org/groups/public_education/initiatives_awards/national_teen_dating_violence_prevention_initiative.html

12.  Veto Violence, http://www.vetoviolence.org/index.html

There are so many more that come up on Google for each of these.  Then I began thinking about the programs with which I am associated, of which many are included in past blogs.

13.  Leila Grace Foundation, http://www.leilagrace.org/

14.  The Red Flag Campaign, http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/

15.  HEART- Help End Abusive Relationships Today by Dr. Danica Hays and Becky Michel

16.  Bystander Intervention, Dr. Alan Berkowitz, http://www.alanberkowitz.com/index.php

17.  VDAY, (Vagina Monologues), http://www.vday.org/about/more-about

18.  Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, (I visited this summer for a class), http://www.drcc.ie/

In 20 minutes, I found 18 tremendous resources capturing thousands of people’s dedication to preventing sexual violence.  I guess what I am trying to say is give yourself a moment to feel despair by supporting yourself through it.  You might need and/or want to see a counselor or therapist during these times.  You might simply remind yourself of all the amazing ways people are healing the world by doing a Google search.  There is not one “right” way to cope with these feelings.  The only “wrong” way is by not surrounding yourself with the support you need to move through it.  Taking care of yourself is the most important part of the healing process. 

Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly & Sexual Assault Prevention

The Red Flag Campaign, an organization dedicated to preventing dating violence on college campuses, provides the following statistics¹:

·         350 incidents of rape occur in a given year on a campus with 10,000 students.

·         75% of male students and 55% of female students who have been raped report that they had been under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

·         60% of rapes that occurred on campus took place in the victim’s residence, 31% took place in other campus residence halls, and 10% took place in fraternities.

·         9 out of 10 victims knew their perpetrator.

Four hundred students lived in my residence hall freshmen year and my campus had about 10,000 students.  Hypothetically, this means that all but 50 of us represent the number of rapes that occurred each year and 315 of us knew the perpetrator.   Furthermore, 210 rape incidents took place in my residence hall and over half involved some form of partying. 

I wish this surprised me, but it does not.  My rape involved copious amounts of alcohol, occurred in my home, and the perpetrator was a friend I had known for eight years.  For a long time, I thought I might have prevented it had I not been drunk and passed out.  This does not mean that I believe it was my fault because it wasn’t.  It also does not me I think I deserved it because I was drunk and passed out.  Last time I checked, getting drunk, making sure I left the bar with friends in a cab, and passing out in my own bed was actually the “responsible” thing to do when alcohol was involved.  So, if I did everything “right,” why did this happen?

I believe two major preventative measures are necessary to really begin to shift the statistics listed above.  All are equally important, so I will introduce them in alphabetical order- Bystander Intervention, and Party Responsibly.  The first is Bystander Intervention.  This means that everyone must take a stand, even if it means confronting a friend who you suspect of being a perpetrator.  The Red Flag Campaign says, “When you see a Red Flag, say something.”  Confronting friends is hard, but seeing friends in pain is harder.  Dr. Alan Berkowitz², a licensed psychologist who specializes bystander intervention, shares many great resources to help you confront your friend.  The first is to maintain your safety, and the second is to intervene directly or indirectly as soon as possible.  This could include anonymously calling the police, confronting the perpetrator with a group of people, and staying with the potential victim until the threat is over.  Please visit his website below for more resources.

Party Responsibly.  The majority of us drink in college and some do drugs.  What does it feel like to be buzzed?  What does it feel like to be drunk or high?  At what point, do you loose control?  One beer and one shot?  Five shots and three beers?  More?  Less?  What is your plan to get home?  Who are your “buddies” for the night?  What are your limits with physical intimacy?  How do those change when you are buzzed, drunk, or high?  What do your friends think of as “cool” partying?  Is it the one who can drink the most?  Or the one who can maintain a buzz and simply have fun?  These questions are meant to encourage reflection on what responsible partying means for you.  “Partying” is not a bad thing.  “Partying Irresponsibly” is.  I simply ask that you answer these questions for yourself.  If any of your answers are cause for a red flag signaling that you might be irresponsible, make a change in your partying behavior.  There is a way to have fun and be safe. 

¹“Sexual and Dating Violence on Campuses: Research,” http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/resources/sexual-and-dating-violence-on-campuses-research/, retrieved on November 23, 2011.

²Berkowitz, Alan. “Resources on Bystander Behavior Compiled in 2009,” http://www.alanberkowitz.com/bystander_behavior.php, retrieved on November 23, 2011.