Will It Ever Stop?

I talked about Bystander Intervention last month.  This month, Penn State explodes.  I am sickened by the tragedy inflicted on the young boys, families, athletes, and community because 1 man was not stopped despite reports of more than 1 person suspecting him.  We see this over and over.  Jacey Dugard.  Elizabeth Smart.  The Catholic Church.  In one minute, I just counted 16 people who have shared about their experience with sexual assault after hearing about mine.  Will it ever stop? 

There are times when I am particularly disheartened, discouraged, and feel great sadness and despair because I just don’t know if the epidemic of sexual assault will ever decrease, let alone end.  The week the Penn State tragedy hit the news, I found myself slipping into one of those hopeless spaces.  I ask all the same questions- Why?  How could this happen?  What were they thinking?  I am easily distracted and my energy is lower.  I am also easily irritated and have low tolerance for any form of disrespect and injustice.  I find myself wanting information and seeking out articles beyond what the popular media covers. 

There have been times in the past when these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors were so overwhelming that they did interfere with my daily functioning.  I wouldn’t want to get out of bed and I wondered what the point of life is.  I wished I could be one of those people who just doesn’t care about anything except shopping, lunching, and getting my nails done.  Now, I recognize the signs more readily.  Instead of bracing myself for a long battle with my despair, I try to give it a voice, a space to express itself.  I remind myself that it is o.k. to be angry, sad, in despair, hopeless, irritated.  These feelings validate the tragedy.

This month, I also took it one step further.  I decided to connect with articles or resources showcasing advocacy, prevention and intervention work, and social justice. 

Here is what I found when I Googled “Sexual Assault Prevention”:

1.      United States Department of Defense, Sexual Assault Prevention and Response (and each military branch has their own version), http://www.sapr.mil/index.php/saam

2.      RAINN, The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-prevention

3.      Stop It Now! Together we can prevent the sexual abuse of children, http://www.stopitnow.org/

4.      Sexual Assault Prevention Program in Athens County, Ohio, http://saprevention.org/

5.      National Sexual Violence Resource Center, http://www.nsvrc.org/

Here is what I found when I Googled “Datiing Violence Prevention”:

6.      Dating Violence Prevention Center, http://www.datingviolence.org/

7.      Center for Disease Control & Prevention, Violence Prevention, http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/ and Choose Respect, http://www.cdc.gov/chooserespect/

8.      Liz Claiborne’s Love is Not Abuse, http://loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/home

9.      The National Resource Center for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, http://www.teendvmonth.org/

10.  Love is Respect, http://www.loveisrespect.org/

11.  American Bar Association, National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative, http://www.americanbar.org/groups/public_education/initiatives_awards/national_teen_dating_violence_prevention_initiative.html

12.  Veto Violence, http://www.vetoviolence.org/index.html

There are so many more that come up on Google for each of these.  Then I began thinking about the programs with which I am associated, of which many are included in past blogs.

13.  Leila Grace Foundation, http://www.leilagrace.org/

14.  The Red Flag Campaign, http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/

15.  HEART- Help End Abusive Relationships Today by Dr. Danica Hays and Becky Michel

16.  Bystander Intervention, Dr. Alan Berkowitz, http://www.alanberkowitz.com/index.php

17.  VDAY, (Vagina Monologues), http://www.vday.org/about/more-about

18.  Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, (I visited this summer for a class), http://www.drcc.ie/

In 20 minutes, I found 18 tremendous resources capturing thousands of people’s dedication to preventing sexual violence.  I guess what I am trying to say is give yourself a moment to feel despair by supporting yourself through it.  You might need and/or want to see a counselor or therapist during these times.  You might simply remind yourself of all the amazing ways people are healing the world by doing a Google search.  There is not one “right” way to cope with these feelings.  The only “wrong” way is by not surrounding yourself with the support you need to move through it.  Taking care of yourself is the most important part of the healing process. 

Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly & Sexual Assault Prevention

The Red Flag Campaign, an organization dedicated to preventing dating violence on college campuses, provides the following statistics¹:

·         350 incidents of rape occur in a given year on a campus with 10,000 students.

·         75% of male students and 55% of female students who have been raped report that they had been under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

·         60% of rapes that occurred on campus took place in the victim’s residence, 31% took place in other campus residence halls, and 10% took place in fraternities.

·         9 out of 10 victims knew their perpetrator.

Four hundred students lived in my residence hall freshmen year and my campus had about 10,000 students.  Hypothetically, this means that all but 50 of us represent the number of rapes that occurred each year and 315 of us knew the perpetrator.   Furthermore, 210 rape incidents took place in my residence hall and over half involved some form of partying. 

I wish this surprised me, but it does not.  My rape involved copious amounts of alcohol, occurred in my home, and the perpetrator was a friend I had known for eight years.  For a long time, I thought I might have prevented it had I not been drunk and passed out.  This does not mean that I believe it was my fault because it wasn’t.  It also does not me I think I deserved it because I was drunk and passed out.  Last time I checked, getting drunk, making sure I left the bar with friends in a cab, and passing out in my own bed was actually the “responsible” thing to do when alcohol was involved.  So, if I did everything “right,” why did this happen?

I believe two major preventative measures are necessary to really begin to shift the statistics listed above.  All are equally important, so I will introduce them in alphabetical order- Bystander Intervention, and Party Responsibly.  The first is Bystander Intervention.  This means that everyone must take a stand, even if it means confronting a friend who you suspect of being a perpetrator.  The Red Flag Campaign says, “When you see a Red Flag, say something.”  Confronting friends is hard, but seeing friends in pain is harder.  Dr. Alan Berkowitz², a licensed psychologist who specializes bystander intervention, shares many great resources to help you confront your friend.  The first is to maintain your safety, and the second is to intervene directly or indirectly as soon as possible.  This could include anonymously calling the police, confronting the perpetrator with a group of people, and staying with the potential victim until the threat is over.  Please visit his website below for more resources.

Party Responsibly.  The majority of us drink in college and some do drugs.  What does it feel like to be buzzed?  What does it feel like to be drunk or high?  At what point, do you loose control?  One beer and one shot?  Five shots and three beers?  More?  Less?  What is your plan to get home?  Who are your “buddies” for the night?  What are your limits with physical intimacy?  How do those change when you are buzzed, drunk, or high?  What do your friends think of as “cool” partying?  Is it the one who can drink the most?  Or the one who can maintain a buzz and simply have fun?  These questions are meant to encourage reflection on what responsible partying means for you.  “Partying” is not a bad thing.  “Partying Irresponsibly” is.  I simply ask that you answer these questions for yourself.  If any of your answers are cause for a red flag signaling that you might be irresponsible, make a change in your partying behavior.  There is a way to have fun and be safe. 

¹“Sexual and Dating Violence on Campuses: Research,” http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/resources/sexual-and-dating-violence-on-campuses-research/, retrieved on November 23, 2011.

²Berkowitz, Alan. “Resources on Bystander Behavior Compiled in 2009,” http://www.alanberkowitz.com/bystander_behavior.php, retrieved on November 23, 2011.

Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex

Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex

This is perhaps the most difficult topic for me since I began writing this blog in June.  Sex is not rape and rape is not sex.  Rape is a violent act of force.  Sex is a pleasurable (hopefully) act of fun and possibly love.  Rape is not sex and sex is not rape.  Sex is consensual between all parties involved.  Rape is nonconsensual.  Sex feels good.  Rape hurts.  Sex is physical.  Rape is physical.  Sex often involves penetration.  Rape often involves penetration.  Sex is not rape and rape is not sex.

Why, then, do they feel connected?  Why do women and men survivors share with me about how their sex life is affected by their sexual trauma?  We have shared a similar sentiment: “I love my partner.  I want to be intimate with them.  But then I can’t get it out of my head.  So, the moment is ruined.” 

There really isn’t an easy explanation for this.  The year following my attack, I slept with many different men.  I consented each time, but I didn’t feel good about it in the morning.  In understanding trauma responses and the healing process, I believe I was trying to recreate my rape so that it was not rape.  It was a coping mechanism for me. ¹  As I mentioned last month, I have been in three relationships since my attack.  There were many weeks and sometimes months of “dry spells.”  I just wasn’t in the mood.  A lot of tears and fights erupted after weeks of patient understanding from both of us.  In hindsight, there was something off with those relationships, which also played a big role in our declining intimacy. 

It wasn’t until I reconnected with the pleasure and enjoyment of sex that I grasped the truth in the title- Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex.  The difference is not just a mindset or a mood.  It is also physical.  For me, understanding and experiencing the physical pleasure sensations of sex was crucial in separating the two.  In my town, there was a women’s sex shop offering great resources related to increasing sexual pleasure- books, toys, lubricant, and events with trained experts.  Masturbation, or if you prefer calling it self-pleasure, helped me re-discover my physical response to sexual stimulation.  In knowing my physical body, I am able to communicate with my partner about what I like.  I look forward to sharing those moments with him now.  It wasn’t easy in the beginning- I felt embarrassed and couldn’t get myself in the mood.  Then I read a suggestion somewhere- set a date night with yourself, complete with all your favorite things.  So, I lit some candles, played my favorite “in the mood” songs, took a bath, popped in my favorite rom com and enjoyed the moment.

I talked about a few points that I want to re-emphasize.  Consent: know the law and know what consent means to you.  Coercion is not consent.  Know what you want to do and don’t change your mind in the moment unless you really want to.   If you do decide to get help or reach out, be sure to thoroughly check credentials.  There are great trauma specialists and sex resources out there, but you must be an informed consumer.  Finally, you might consider reading the following book:

¹ Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence- From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman, M.D.

When is it time to have “the conversation?"

When is it time to have “the conversation?”

If you have been sexually assaulted and/or dated someone who has for a long enough period of time, you have had “the conversation.”  The I-have-to-tell-him-about-it conversation.  This is Step 3 to which I referred in my last post.  When is it the right time to tell your significant other (or someone you want to be your significant other) about your experience?  And then, how do you bring it up?  What is point of telling them?  How will their reaction impact the relationship?  Maybe even, do I have to tell them? 

For me, the right time is not clear-cut.  Of course in the beginning, I felt like I had to tell whomever I dated because it had such significance on my life.  This was short lived as the first person I told said “Oh no, your one of the crazy ones.”  I obviously never saw him again and realized I needed to get to know the person first and let them get to know me.

In the three significant relationships (1+ years) I have been in since the attack, the time came when it just felt right to share.  I was comfortable in the relationship.  I trusted the other person to not judge me negatively, although I was not sure how it might impact our relationship.  The relationship was at the point where we started sharing deeper aspects of ourselves. 

           

I cried to my best guy friend the first time I had to do this.  I was petrified that the guy I was dating would think I was “one of the crazy ones” or that our physical attraction would be negatively impacted.  “That experience does not define you.”  My friend reminded me that this is one of many experiences and that anyone I am with who cares about me will see that.  He has been a true source of strength, support and encouragement throughout my healing journey.

           

The conversation with the first significant other went like this:

Me:  I was sexually assaulted.  I just thought you should know.

Him:  Oh.  That sucks.

The second conversation went like this:

Me: So, I have something to share with you that is hard for me to share.  I was raped in 2002.

Him:  Hmm.  I am sorry to hear that.  What are the subsequent ramifications of that?  What have you done to heal?  What can I do?

The most recent conversation was different because we started out as friends and classmates.  Through that, he learned of my attack.  Since we started dating we have talked about it a few times in conversations about our lives and hardships we’ve overcome.  I shared with him that leading up to and during the weekend of the anniversary, I sometimes am sad, anxious and have a shorter fuse.  I let him know that I am not always aware that this is happening.  He has also shared that the experience does not impact his perception of me negatively and that he values my strength, insight and awareness.  This conversation felt the most natural as it comes up organically in conversations between us. 

Stay tuned…the September post will tackle the Sex.

What about dating?

In June, I shared about my on-going challenges related to trust, both of myself and of friends.  Dating and significant relationships are the next logical steps in the discussion about trust.  As I mentioned, trusting my intuition is an important element of my healing process.  As a heterosexual woman, I am attracted to men.  This was perhaps one of the most confusing and painful aspects of healing.  How can I continue to be attracted to someone with the potential to rape me?  Even though I am fortunate to know more men who are of sound character and would never dream of attacking a woman, I was still confused, scared, angry with and untrusting of men, in general for a long time.  At one point I remember tearfully sharing with my father “I don’t want to hate all men anymore.” I believe my desire to stop carrying the burden of hatred coupled with intense counseling with a specialist in treating PTSD/sexual assault survivors are the reasons I am no longer gripped by this believe. 

This was the first step, which actually seemed fairly easy in hindsight compared to the second and third steps.  The second step is actually starting to go on dates again.  What does that even look like?  What if I freak out?  How will I stay safe?  What if he tries to come on to me?  It took a lot of coaxing and encouragement from friends and family to get me to actually go on a date.  I was very intentional about where and when these dates took place.  Daytime activities and activities involving trusted friends seemed to ease my anxiety.  I often paid my own way as I thought this would minimize any expectation of a “good night kiss” or something more.  I was also very conscious about flirting as I enjoy innocent flirting, but was unsure about when flirting became an invitation for something more. 

The first couple dates were pretty painful in that I was painfully self-conscious and anxious.  I didn’t feel like myself and I am sure came off very guarded.  I’ll share a story to illustrate this time.  I met a guy on the airplane returning from visiting my family.  We had a nice conversation on the plane that lasted until our bags unloaded.  He asked for my number so we could “hang out sometime.”  My guards shot up, not because he was at all creepy or really even coming on to me, but because of the potential for him to come on to me at some unforeseen time in the future.  I gave him my number, silently reminding myself that I can always decline to see him again and reassuring myself that based on the good conversation we had already had, what harm would there be in coffee?  After a few phone conversations, I agreed to go to dinner with him.  He was a respectable man on a date- never made a move, asked inquiring questions about me, shared stories about himself, etc.  In the back of my mind, I was waiting for something to show that he really was not a good guy.  Well it came…in the form of a political debate related to federal spending and tax structures that started out friendly and ended with me drawing a thick line in the sand between us.  Based on his responses, I was convinced that he was just another A-hole with traditional, conservative beliefs that would inevitably result in me having to take on the traditional female gender role.  I stormed off after the date and never spoke to him again. 

I smile when I think of this interaction because he actually never did say those things.  He was simply making a point about the benefits of a more conservative federal budget.  Perhaps I did not need to draw such a tough line. 

I decided at that point that I needed help from my friends and family about how to respond reasonably in these situations.  Almost a litmus test or a re-centering of the internal compass that helps me stay on track without feeling as though I am being attacked, yet asserts healthy boundaries.  I organized monthly meetings with friends, simply called “Discussion Group.”  We met at new venues in the area and discussed a different topic each month, such as “When is enough enough?” and “How do you flirt with balance (so you don’t get in a predicament, but you have fun)?”  These discussions were lively and helped me reconnect with my intuition AND know how to respond assertively and respectfully. 

Read next month’s blog for Step 3: When is it time to have “the conversation?”

How often do you think about your attack?

How often do you think about your attack? Each day, hour? Every week or so? Or does months, maybe even years go by without a thought? I was asked this once by a friend trying to understand why, after so long, my attack continues to affect me. My knee jerk reaction was to say “you just don’t get it and I’m sorry to continue bringing it up.” I imagined leaving that dinner and cutting her out of my life forever. Because how could such a great friend question why the attack still affects my daily life? At that moment in time, the rape was the defining moment in my life. After all it had only been one year since I began actively healing. Didn’t she understand that memories haunt, helplessness is terrifying and shame is paralyzing?

I look back on that dinner and realize that the answer is no, she did not understand because she could not understand. I wonder, is she at fault for asking that question since she really could not understand? In the thick of it, I did not know how to say the memories haunt me sometimes and when they creep in, I feel shame, terror, anger and sadness. I did not know how to say it will pass and I appreciate her listening even when it seems like a broken record. I did not know how to say I would also appreciate hearing words of reassurance that I am not alone, and encouragement reminding me of my strengths. This would leave me vulnerable because what if she said I am alone since she didn’t understand? I did not want to risk feeling so alone because I was alone during the attack.

She and I are no longer friends. Instead of walking out silently and never talking to her again, I got angry. I said some terrible things to her that made her out to be a horrendous monster. In fact, at one point I told her that she would be a better friend if she had been raped, too, which in a way wished that upon her. I was the horrendous monster. In all honesty, she and I weren’t very good friends for many reasons. I do believe eventually, our friendship would have fizzled out, so I don’t feel bad for the end of the friendship. I do feel bad for my behavior- those words so spiteful and venomous dripping in pain.

Today, I don’t think about the attack very often. I don’t see it as the defining moment in my life. Rather it is one of many moments in my life that continue to shape who I am. I am much clearer about friendships with fewer friends and more acquaintances. I try to share more honestly when asked questions about the rape’s effect on my life. I try to use these as teachable moments and believe the asker is coming from a genuinely caring place.

Trust continues to be a value I grapple with. Because my attacker was someone I had a long-standing “friendship” with, I have often questioned my trustworthiness in selecting friendships. In the instance described above, I can see how my lack of confidence in trusting myself came into play. I felt attacked by her question and responded in a protective way. However, since then, I have learned to trust my intuition. I am learning how to act on those trusted intuitions with dignity and respect. Friendships and close relationships are vital to my wellness, so learning how to nurture the great ones and limit the toxic ones is key. My relationship with me has also grown strong, as my trust in my intuition has returned. The process continues each day, some being more intentional than others.

Healing Journey

Today, I am a survivor.  But this has not always been the case.  I went from a happy-go-lucky recent graduate who prided herself on always standing up for the right thing to a scared, insecure and lonely person.  The months following the attack, I drowned my pain in work and an active social life.  I spent any free evenings holed up in my bedroom silently, uncontrollably sobbing.  I wondered where my pain came from and what I was going to do with it?  I wondered if it would ever stop.  Confusion, inner conflict and denial marked this time.  By the end of that year, I could not deny it any longer.  My pain had begun to drown me and I was tired of sleepless nights.

Tentatively, I began to talk about “it” with a few close friends, who also knew my attacker.  I used the word “sexually assaulted” because I could not bring myself to say, “I was raped.”  Sexual assault seemed less harsh, less personal.  My voice was flat, emotionless.  I had stopped crying.  Most responded with a loud “WHAT???  I am so sorry” and a few inquired about the

details.  Some had been out with us that night and were really sorry that they did not do anything.  All of us had heard rumors that this person had done this to other women, but none of us believed the rumors until it happened to me. 

What did happen to me?  January 2002, Martin Luther King, Jr weekend.

I am so excited to go out tonight.  The whole group will be together again.  Melanie* and Derrick* are back together.  Melanie’s brother is coming down and three of our other friends from home are finished with their finals.  Plus, Rick* is visiting.  Going out just hasn’t been the same since he moved because he was so protective of all the girls in our group.  Rick was like our older brother. I mean we have known him for eight years.  Sure, he is always a little loud and drank too much, but he is so helpful when lame guys try to hit on us.  He pretends to be our boyfriend by putting an arm around us or dancing us away from whatever lame-o comes too close.  He always makes sure we left together.  I missed the days when we could crash at his place after a night of drinking to save money on the cabs.  He lived right down town and most of the time three or four of us slept over.  Plus it was even cooler that none of us had ever dated Rick, so there wasn’t any weirdness in the group. 

I sighed because those days are gone and now he is going to crash at my place with a few of our other friends.  My place is smaller then his old place, but they wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch.  Within a few hours, I am throwing up in the bathroom of the bar.  My friends got me water and wondered what happened.  I say nothing.  Rick, Melanie’s brother and another girl come back to my place.  Melanie’s brother wants to hook up with the other girl, so I let Rick sleep in my bed.  I quickly change into gray drawstring pants and a cotton black tank top.  I pass out before my head hit the pillow. 

I wake with a start, my lungs are screaming.  I am lying on my stomach (I never sleep on my stomach because I have lower back issues) and suffocating on the sheets.  I jerk my head to the right and inhale deeply.  Then I feel him- I couldn’t move my body, his weight on top of me, my pants are down.  “What the heck.” I am so disoriented.  Is this really happening? My mind leaves my body and I watch from above as he invades my body against my will.

 Suddenly the sun and my pants are up, but the drawstring isn’t tied.  Rick is snoring next to me.  My vagina is throbbing.  I go to the living room to wake my other guests.  Rick comes out and doesn’t look me in the eye.  In a haze, we meet the others for breakfast.  My jeans don’t help.  Rick never looks at me.  I say nothing.  I take the morning after pill, go to my cousin’s house and wash my sheets, towels, clothes and blankets. 

Fall 2006-Early 2007, Battle with Sleep

I am haunted almost every night.  A menacing man is coming up the stairs.  Some nights I wake myself up slamming my bedroom door repeatedly.  Some nights I simply don’t go to sleep.  I am being hunted.  My roommate asks if I could shut my door a little quieter in the middle of the night.  I am embarrassed to tell her that I didn’t think I could do that.  I can’t tell her that my rapist is trying to get me in my nightmares and slamming the door is my only defense.  I couldn’t let him back in my room, even if he is fictitious.

My roommate moves out just in time for my sister to move in.  One night, my father invites us out with a group of business acquaintances who are in town for a conference.  My sister can’t go, but I can.  My father left to go back to his hotel without telling me and I realize I am out down town, alone, without any cash to get back home.  I begin to panic.  My chest tightens.  I frantically search for the exit to the bar.  I am with all men.  My mind begins leaving my body.  Someone asks if I am alright.  I smile and say I am tired and going home.  I walk out as calmly as I can.  Every cab driver looks menacing, so I refuse to get in the cab.  I know they are rapists.  I begin to sob violently for the first time since the attack.  I call my sister, paralyzed with fear.  Will she please come get me?

I sob for hours as she silently rocks me and holds me gently, yet with firm strength.  “I am so scared all the time.  I don’t know who to trust.  I am afraid to leave the house. I don’t know how to go on.  I am afraid for my life.”  Finally the silence is broken.  My soul begins to emerge from hiding.  My real healing is about to begin.

My interest in writing for the Leila Grace blog is really twofold.  First, I remember searching endlessly for healing stories of other survivors that reflected my experience.  I grew frustrated because I could only find stories of women who had been brutally attacked by strangers or clinical, prescribed self-help books with cheesy steps 1-10 outlining how to move on.  Some of these resources helped me, but I still felt very lost and alone in my healing journey.  The second is more personal.  After intense individual therapy, EMDR, spiritual retreats, lost friendships, gained friendships, many (mostly failed) relationships and a lot of inner work, I felt a calling to share my story with others.  This is the next step on my healing journey, which I believe will be an on-going process for a long time.

This blog will be written monthly.  I hope to share about my experiences with the following topics:

·         How to “stay safe” when you are friends with the attacker

·         Responding to guilt and victim blaming

·         Interactions with people who haven’t been there

·         Sex and relationships as a survivor

·         Family support and strain

·         What to do when it is too late to press charges

·         Setting boundaries, especially with potentially toxic friends

·         Internal healing (i.e., Learning to listen & trust myself again, the effect of alcohol use, attraction vs. objectification)

I am also interested in topics you may be interested in.  So please let me know if you want to hear about something I have not mentioned. 

One last thing, I am now a 32 year-old woman with five years experience as a counseling practitioner.  Currently, I am earning a PhD in counselor education and supervision.  Because of the nature of my work and the importance in developing a strong background in conducting research and writing for scholarly journals, my advisor and I decided it is best for me to remain anonymous.  So for the time being, my name is Delilah*.

*All names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved in my story.

To comment on the blog the , please email <gwen@leilagrace.org >.  The content of this blog belongs to the Leila Grace Foundation and is not to be reprinted without the proper consent.

Students Speaking Out!

Hello,

I'm sending this (via bcc) to all of you who so generously gave me your time while I was working on the Student Health 101 story about sexual assault on college campuses. (I'm also sending it to those of you who volunteered to speak with me even if the timing did not work out.) The final story has been published and can be found starting on page 24 here: http://readsh101.com/nyu.html. (The way Student Health 101 works is that it is a subscription-based online publication, so this happens to be the URL that's particular to NYU. It is also distributed to other colleges.)

The story has been significantly edited down by my editor from the original version I submitted due to space concerns. (It's less than half the length I submitted, and many of the quotes and stories I included were cut.) Therefore, unfortunately, not everyone I spoke to was included in the final published version. I am, however, very appreciative of each of you for sharing your story and/or your expertise.

Thank you,

Tara Haelle