Is feminism needed today? (A rhetorical question)- By Blogger Harold Washington College student Juan

In a verbal battle, that lasted for about 2 hours, my colleague attempted to explain that feminism is no longer needed in today’s society because this upcoming generation of educated male college students are more aware and in favor of gender equality. We agreed up to this point, to a certain extent, but the main application of the word was the point of difference. He believes that in action, feminist women hate men and their main goal in their feminist approaches is to see men go down. Initially, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to think this way, but as we expand our knowledge about feminism, it is easy to recognize that one of the main goals of feminist women is to reach a point of gender equality in all sorts of aspects. Employment, psychological and emotional gender equality acceptance of society and its habitants as a whole is a dream that many women wake up and fight for each day.

Although I agree that this upbringing generation of male college students do not hold the same ignorant mentality about women, as baby boomers and folks from the past have, I believe feminism is still needed today. Women that will soon graduate from college, or already have, will unfortunately still deal with the individuals from past generations that still hold a mentality of men power over women. Since males are more likely to hold a position of power in major companies and places of employment.
The purpose of this blog isn’t to persuade you to think a certain way or to convince you that what I believe is right and others opinions are irrelevant, but to make you think about whether or not feminism is still needed in today’s society and how the word feminism applies in context.

Year End- Fight for VAWA by Lily Blogger

2012 has been a tumultuous year for everyone. President Obama got reelected.
Hurricane Sandy devastated the east coast. Obamacare became constitutional.
Senseless killings ravaged the country. More states accepted and allowed gay
marriage. It is nice to know that we as a county are moving forward towards a better
future despite our constant struggles.

But a struggle that will always remain is the struggle to give people the tools and
awareness to fight domestic violence and to help others from becoming future
victims. There have been recent examples of how assaults are underscored and
disregarded such as the attack of a woman and her partner in India. It was only
through public pressure that the government pursued the perpetrators to fulfill the
need for justice This is the same kind of spirit and passion that we need to
encourage and foster to pass better legislation protecting everyone. The National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence has been working for years to pass the Violence
against Womens Act. If constituents could muster that same kind of passion and
contact their legislator, over 1,300 victims of domestic violence might still have
their lives. As the new year begins, let's make 2013 a tumultuous year of safety for
all.

Source: ncadv.org.

At the Hands of a Stranger- by blogger Ashley from Bradley University

A few weeks ago, my roommates and I went out to dinner at one of the restaurants close to campus, so we decided to walk there. Once we sat down at our table, I realized that my female roommate looked a bit distraught and on the verge of tears. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that while we were on the block of the restaurant a random man touched her shoulder.

Actually, he rubbed her arm as he walked by. I remembered this guy walking by us in the opposite direction, and he was walking rather close, but I just assumed he was drunk. I tried to comfort my roommate, and she kept saying how she didn’t understand why he would touch her since they were complete strangers to each other.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a stranger or not, random men who find a woman attractive while walking down the street tend to make some kind of gesture hinting at the fact that they think you’re attractive. Usually there are the cat calls that are easier to ignore, or the unfortunate eyes staring at your breasts or butt, but then there are those who actually make physical contact with some part of your body that just completely violates you.

As women, we shouldn’t feel that it isn’t safe for us to walk alone, especially so close to our institution of higher learning. We are the ones who are told to never walk alone at night, wear “appropriate” clothing, be aware of our surroundings, and watch where we walk- we are the ones told to be cautious and to change our routine to protect ourselves. People should be telling the guys not to even think about touching a woman, to keep their hands to themselves. A guy walking down a dark street alone is susceptible to being robbed, while a woman is susceptible to being robbed and sexually assaulted. I’m not saying that guys aren’t sexually assaulted as well when they are robbed, but those numbers are fewer compared to women. We’ve got to have the strength to call these men out for making women feel uncomfortable and sometimes even paranoid. It’s time to make the perpetrators change their actions.

Sexual Assault in the LGBT Community by Blogger Ashley at Bradley University

When we usually talk about sexual assault, we tend to focus on heterosexual females assaulted by heterosexual males. While that is the main demographic we are shown, we must not forget others who are equally affected by sexual assault. Women in general feel the stigma that they won’t be believed if they admit they’ve been sexually assaulted, but also add in the fact that someone’s sexual orientation could hurt them even more in the society we live in.

Via the Blue Grass Rape Crisis Center’s website, I looked at some statistics relating to sexual violence in the LGBT community:

·         “If a survivor is not ‘out’ she or he may be afraid to risk coming forward and being ‘outed’. Or, he or she may be confused, embarrassed, and ashamed of the sexual assault or consider it a ‘normal’ first-time experience.”

·         

 “   "Discrimination and hate crimes lead some survivors to feel their identity, and therefore their very existence, is questionable and so reporting may seem futile.”

·         “When a LGBT survivor seeks assistance from the community or law enforcement, he or she may not be believed or taken seriously due to homophobia or lack of training/information.”

·         “LGBT individuals generally suffer from greater isolation from family and friends than heterosexual people and, therefore, they may not expect support even if they did come forward.”

·         “Many people deny LGBT relationships are legitimate which can be a barrier to reporting sexual violence and seeking help.”

·         “Survivors of same-sex sexual assault have been invisible in mainstream legal/medical/community organizations, and so providers may not believe someone coming forward.”

·         “Internalized homophobia or transphobia may lead to feelings of responsibility (e.g. “This happened to me because of who I am”). 

      They may question their orientation and/or gender and feel helpless.”

These are just a few of the statistics, and they are very real. Though our society is growing to be more accepting of the LGBT community, there is still a huge cloud of discrimination overshadowing the community. People are people, and one’s sexual orientation is an important part of them like anything else. Regardless if you agree with someone’s orientation or not, we should agree that no one deserves to be assaulted nor should anyone stay silent because of who they are. As a community, as a society, we are to fight for justice for ALL not justice for some.

Resource: http://www.bluegrassrapecrisis.org/education/facts/lgbt.html

Ayudando a nuestros seres queridos by Harold Washington Blogger- Juan

Es una experiencia trágica recibir una llamada telefónica recibiendo la noticia que han asaltado sexualmente a una de las personas que mas amas. Mas trágica es la situación cuando 700 millas de distancia separan a esa persona y a ti. La experiencia fue algo que me tomo de sorpresa. Al principio, no supe como lidiar con la situación apropiadamente y aunque ella fue la victima de este asalto, todas las personas que la amaban en aquel entonces sufrieron terriblemente en conjunción.  Después de un tiempo tome la decisión de mudarme con ella y trate mil y una maneras de como hacerla sentir mejor; como hacerla feliz de nuevo, después que un mal nacido le arranco la felicidad desde las raíces. Fue sumamente duro, enojo se asiento en mi corazón por esta injusticia y siempre quise hacerle algún tipo de daño a la persona que ataco a la querida mía. Preguntas batallaban en mi mente con posibles soluciones y maneras de hacer que el daño se aleje del corazón de mi querida pero casi siempre falle. Fue una de las experiencias más difíciles que he vivido y para ella, la peor. Hubo momentos que falle en comprender los sentimientos de ella pues estaba bien joven e inmaduro y no supe conectar sus acciones y manera de comportarse con la tragedia; que al fin y al cabo eran las raíces de su comportamiento extraño. La herí en varias ocasiones y me he sentido desastrosamente mal desde esos momentos. Pero con el tiempo, aprendí a ayudarla de una manera productiva. Es bien importante que si alguna persona que amas haya pasado por una situación como esta hagas búsqueda en el internet o bibliotecas acerca de como manejar y tratar a tu amado o amada. Este blog no es lo suficiente.

Me tomo un poco de tiempo a aprender estos simples pero aquí les va.

En todas situaciones, tienes que ser bien entendible. No importa si el o ella actúe raramente, y creas que no tienen la razón, o se comportan de manera inmadura. Estos comportamientos son simplemente el resultado del trauma psicológico causado por el asalto sexual. Necesitamos ser bien cariñosos y entender a nuestros queridos y queridas en toda situación posible. Y si estas en un argumento y crees que tienes la razón, en voz delicada comunica tu opinión con tu querido o querida.

Nunca le eches la culpa a tu querido o querida acerca de el asalto sexual. Esto es algo que es sumamente importante en el crecimiento de el estado psicológico de tu querido o querida. Necesitamos ser bien sensibles y bien cuidadosos con las intenciones detrás de nuestras palabras. En ciertas ocasiones, puede que la victima se eche la culpa, pero necesitamos siempre estar ahí para ellos y ser esa ayuda que necesitan y recordarles que nada fue su culpa.

Sobre todo, siempre debes de estar ahí para tu querido o querida. Hazte a cargo de que nunca se sienta solo/sola. El asalto sexual es una experiencia traumática y por lo tanto mientras mas amor y cariño que le demos a nuestros amados queridos mejor. 

Helping our loved one- by Olive Harvey College Blogger Juan

It is a tragic experience to receive a phone call that a person you love and adore has been sexually assaulted. It is yet worse to experience this call 700 miles away from where your loved one is located. The experience was something that caught me off guard. At first, I did not know how to properly act upon this situation and although she was the victim, every person that had love for her got terribly affected by this catastrophic event.

After we finally met physically and decided to live together I approached many different ways to help her in the most sensitive ways I could. It was hard though, anger toward the aggressor sat still in my heart for years. Questions battled my consciousness and solutions to my beloved psychological disturbances where far from a reach point. It was definitely one of the hardest experiences I have ever lived through and hers, probably the worst. There were moments in which I failed to comprehend her actions and behaviors and since I was young and immature I would not link them with the assault. I hurt her in some occasions and have felt horrible ever since. But with time, I have been able to understand how to go about helping that loved one that had to deal with this painful experience. It is pivotal that if you are in the situation in which one of your loved ones had gone through this same experience, thorough research and readings about how to deal with the victim must be done. This blog just isn’t enough.
It took me a while but here are a few pieces of advice.

Over all situations, you need to be understanding, regardless if his or her behaviors do not make logical sense to you. This might happen because of unexplainable psychological changes that go on with the victim after the assault. Above all, we must remember to be understanding and willing to comprehend and listen to our loved ones regardless of the situation.

Do not blame the victim. This is something that is really important in the development of the healthy state of mind journey the individual will eventually encounter. We must be sensitive and be really careful of the intents and words we use. At times, the victim might blame himself/herself and we need to be the backbone that they fall on and reassure them of the reality of things, that it was NOT his or her fault.

Overall, be there for your loved one at all times. Check up on them every day if you can, and make sure they never feel alone. Sexual assault is a major traumatic experience and the more help and love you could provide your loved one, the better.

A Few Questions- by Blogger Ashley from Bradley University

For this month’s blog, I asked three of my fellow colleagues about their opinions on sexual assault as well as abuse. While the three questions were short and simple, at least two of them could bring up complex answers. Each person comes from different backgrounds and experiences, which would lead to different answers among the participants. I let them all know that there was no specific answer I was expecting to hear from them- I just wanted them to be completely honest.

What is sexual assault, what defines it to you?

“Basically anything sexual that is not wanted.”- female

“Any unwanted or nonconsensual sexual act or touch or if it makes a person feels uncomfortable. So if you start doing something and change your mind, but the other person doesn’t stop, that would be sexual assault.”- female

“Any sexual actions without consent or without knowledge of consent. For example, if you’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs and make an irrational decision or don’t fully consent because you’re under the influence.”- male

Do you know someone who has been sexually assaulted?

“Not that I know of.”- female

“Yes.”- female

“No.”- male

Do you think it’s ever okay for a man to hit a woman, or vice versa?

“No, I don’t think it’s okay for either to do it.”- female

“Not that I think it’s okay, but I guess I understand if it happens. It’s really hard to say.”- female

“Only in self-defense or protecting an individual.”- male

……..

All of my participants pretty much had similar answers as to what they believe sexual assault is. Only one person knowingly knows of someone who’s been sexually assaulted, meaning that the other two may actually be unaware of the fact that someone close to them may have been sexually assaulted in the past.

The final question is one that could lead to a large discussion. For some, it’s simple to say that no one should be hitting anyone, while others could say the usual exception: self-defense. Then there’s that gray area, where it isn’t as clear to a person whether or not abuse is acceptable, usually because this person has been in this situation personally.

From these questions, I wanted to get a feel for how people felt about sexual assault and abuse in general. People were a bit thrown off at first by the question and felt self-conscious answering them, but I could see how uneasy and uncomfortable they were. I didn’t tell anyone whether their responses were “right” or “wrong” because that’s not what the point was. In the future, though, I’d like to talk more in depth with my fellow colleagues about their thoughts on abuse in a non-judgmental atmosphere. In the end, I hope that no one feels that they “deserve” to be hit or abused for any reason, I hope that no one finds it “understandable” that someone could be hit by their significant other. This can no longer be acceptable behavior.

Erasing the taboo- Lily Blogger

As a native-Chicagoan, I am fiercely proud about everything that is Chicago-related, whether it's about cheering for "Da Bears" or splurging on a deep dish pizza for dinner. Chicago is my hometown, flaws and all. However, I am slightly disappointed with Chicago and the rest of the nation right now. Although October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, you would hardly notice it. As I am flipping through the channels, I see football players wearing pink socks and shoes. As I'm driving down Lake Shore Drive, I spot the Willis (Sears) Tower shining in pink. As a woman, I love breasts! As a matter of fact, I have two of my own. However, I would like to argue that if domestic violence received even a tenth of this attention, it would go a long way towards tearing down the stigma for victims and survivors of domestic violence.

Tiny steps have been made in the past couple of months. According to a recent article by the Chicago tribune, the US Department of Justice has given approximately $500,000 in total to Loyola University and Joliet Junior College to help schools reduce the rate of date rape and other assaults. Also, the money is used towards developing stronger sexual assault programs and bolster campus security. Although this is great news for those campuses, there is still so much left to do. Therefore, for the rest of this month, I implore you to not only wear pink, but to wear purple and support the fight against domestic violence.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/sns-ap-il--illinois-colleges-womens-safety-20120920,0,6012045.story

It’s Her Fault? Really? Ashley Bradley University Blogger

If you’re from the Chicagoland area, you’ve probably heard about the high school counselor and girls’ basketball coach from the southern suburbs who wrote a racy, “self-help” relationship book geared towards women entitled It’s Her Fault and was recently fired as a result. Now, he has the right to exercise freedom of speech, his first amendment right, by writing a book. The issue is that it is a highly offensive and degrading work.

Now, I haven’t read the book myself, but I’ve been hearing a lot about it since returning to school. The media continually quotes the same sentence from the book: "The ultimate point here is to utilize your worth, brains, experience or even sex appeal to potentially dominate one of the least intelligent creatures on the planet when it comes to the opposite sex," Craig writes. So women are one of the least intelligent creatures? The same “creatures” who bring males into this very world? If we are so lacking in intelligence, then what is our purpose on this planet? Is our purpose only to appeal to and please men? If that is our sole purpose, then I would agree that we are not too intelligent, but the majority of women are not on this planet to simply please men.

I spoke with a friend about it, and she mentioned the possibility of Bryan Craig (the author) writing the book as a joke just to see if he can get away with it. Maybe he did it as a publicity stunt of sorts. The thing is I don’t think Craig wrote it as a joke at all. I believe this is what he truly believes and how he feels about the female population. It makes me wonder if this is how he feels about his own wife (since it turns out that he’s actually married). Does he expect her to behave certain ways and hold her to a certain standard? I don’t think this is fair to his wife or women in general.

Blaming women for most issues in a relationship is not fair at all since relationships are a two-way street. I think another issue with this book is that it is truly reinforcing patriarchal society concepts in some areas. Because Craig is a man, he is superior and therefore knows exactly how a woman should act and what would make her a better wife and such. It’s one thing to give good advice on how to make relationships better in little ways, but it’s another thing to basically criticize and blame half of the human race for relational problems.

Women are living in fear and discomfort and it’s not fair- by Blogger Juan

Walking down the street, in a dark, cold night of September, on my way back from school, I noticed how women along the way would cross the street in order to avoid getting into close contact with me. This got me thinking. I started to put myself in the position of a woman and realized how easy we have it as men and yet we do not realize it until something like this occurrence happens. Women are living in fear and it just isn’t fair.

The same happens with wearing certain types of “provocative” clothes. I was speaking with one of my close friends a while back and he mentioned that he doesn’t like it when women wear tight clothes because it seems as if women are asking men to look at their body. Had to stop him there. I thoroughly explained to him what I felt about this comment. Honestly, if men feel like wearing whatever men will wear whatever, but when it comes to women this isn’t the same apparently. I told him that if a woman feels comfortable in the clothes she chooses to wear, she should have the right to wear whatever piece of clothing she pleases without having to be afraid or take in consideration so many expectations this society has implemented. It is saddening to know that we live in a society were gender binary has been normalized and until great minds start putting some ideas together, this will continue.

The Circle of 6 - Lily Blogger

As a former college student, it was always a bit nerve wracking to walk across campus late at night from the library. I always held my keys between my fingers and looked behind my shoulder every couple of blocks. But now a new app for your phone can provide an extra measure of safety on those dark nights or even in uncomfortable situations.

This new iPhone app called Circle of 6 is an innovative way to reach out to your friends if you ever feel like you're on a bad date or need help. There are 3 icons. The first icon, the car icon sends out a text message to your Circle of 6 that reads "Come and get me. I need help getting home safely. My GPS coordinates are..." The second icon, the phone icon sends out a text message that reads "Call and pretend you need me. I need an interruption." which would be handy for uncomfortable dates. The last icon, the chat icon sends out a text that reads "I'm looking for information, just letting you know." and will direct the user to national hotlines and other helpful resources.

The design is simple and meant to protect privacy so that no one would be able to see what is happening on your phone. For more information, please refer to these links.

http://appsagainstabuse.challenge.gov/submissions/4900-circle-of-6

New School Year, New Freshmen -Ashley Bradley University Blogger-

It’s a new school year, so of course new freshmen are arriving on campus. On move-in day, students arrive by the masses on campus. My school has a block party sponsored by the sororities and fraternities on campus, welcoming the fresh blood and old beef back to campus. They reel you in with free food and other goodies, but the guys especially seek out freshmen girls to invite to the first parties of the semester aka the same night. For most freshmen, this is their first time being away from home, their first chance at freedom. This is the night that many fresh bloods go out and drink a nice amount of alcohol for the first time in this type of setting (the frat party). This is a night where many new students may feel the pressure to drink. Unfortunately, because of this fact, many students do not really know their limit, the extent of their tolerance.

            

    Not only are freshmen at risk of alcohol poisoning, they are also at risk of being taken advantage of by upperclassmen. During my freshmen year, around 15 people (mainly freshmen) were taken to the hospital the first night of parties due to alcohol. Who knows how many people, mainly females, could have been assaulted in some way that night as well. As much as we all would just like to believe that all of the frat guys simply want to throw a party and serve free alcohol to beautiful girls, we know that this is not the case for at least some of the guys out there.

If you’re a freshman, and you happen to come across the blog, please be careful on those first few nights of college. Don’t let go of yourself to follow the crowd. Fight the pressure. It’s easy to listen to everyone else when you barely know anyone on campus, but sometimes you have to listen to your gut instinct. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go out to frat parties (they can be fun at times), but I hope that you’ll all be observant and look out for yourself and use the buddy system. There truly is safety in numbers.

The Light at the End of a Tunnel-Courtney Blogger-

This past week, Governor Pat Quinn established a new law to support sexual assault victims and prevent violence against women from occurring.  As of January 2013, rape crisis centers throughout Illinois will receive funds from a tax placed on strip clubs, due to Pat Quinn’s signing of House Bill 1645.  A few months ago, I received an email from my supervisor asking for my help to pass this law.  Not realizing the potential gratitude of this bill, I did as my supervisor told, and honestly did not think much of it after.  Now that this bill has passed, I realize how it much power it holds for survivors, rape crisis centers and all women of Illinois.
Lt. Governor Simon was quoted saying, “This new revenue stream will help offset cuts that threatened critical services. When a sexual assault victim goes to a police station or a survivor calls a hotline, we need trained staff ready to respond. This bill helps to keep lights on and doors open, jobs filled and responders trained” (ENews Park Forest).  This statement hits close to home because I just completed an internship at a Rape Crisis Center just last week, and I understand the how necessary it is to have passionate, supportive counselors on staff and the financial means to train volunteers to assist with supporting survivors on the hotline, in hospitals and in police stations.
On one of my last days as an intern, my supervisor expressed how she wishes there were more hours in the day or more counselors in the office because every day our agency has more clients placed on the waiting list for counseling.  Perhaps this bill is just what rape crisis centers need to change the lives of even more survivors than anyone ever thought possible.  Perhaps this bill could be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ashley Blogger from Bradley University -Taking a Stand

As many of you may or may not have heard, comedian Daniel Tosh made some rather unfunny comments about a female audience member at one of his shows. For those of you who may not have heard of this incident, I’ll give you a quick summary: Tosh made a rape joke, a woman in the audience “heckled” that “rape jokes are never funny” or something similar, and Tosh responded with a comment saying “wouldn’t it be funny if she got raped by like five guys right now…like right now?” or something of that nature. The woman and her friend left the comedy club shortly thereafter.

               

  People either bashed Tosh or defended him, usually based on whether they are a fan of him or not. People familiar with Tosh and have heard his jokes before know that he makes some of the most insensitive jokes out there. He’s a comedian after all, and no subject matter is really safe when it comes to him. So because he is known to make inappropriate jokes, he is being defended. Yeah, yeah, it was a joke, but his response to that woman was NOT funny. Most jokes that involve some type of injustice usually “attack” the oppressor and not the oppressed. Ultimately, Tosh definitely crossed the line.

               

  This incident leads to many questions concerning comedy, what is funny, and what is just cruel and crossing the line. Rape is a very sensitive subject, and personally, I don’t see it as something to joke about. It can happen to anyone, but more often than not, women are the victims. It is unlike most other crimes in that it leaves its victims emotionally and physically scarred for the rest of their lives. It’s not one of those things that you can just “get over” and laugh about later. Even as someone who has not experienced this myself, I have loved ones who have either been sexually assaulted or raped, and I don’t take it lightly when people make jokes about these situations, these crimes against humanity. So I commend that brave woman in the audience for speaking up that night in a comedy club that was most likely full of more males than females. I hope that this incident will encourage more people, women AND men alike, to stand up for victims and stop society from becoming so desensitized to such crimes. 

Who would you tell?- by Courtney

Day in and day out, I watch sexual assault survivors walk into our agency.  It is hard to miss the loneliness and fear hiding under their eyes but also the relief when they meet their counselor at the door – knowing support is there.      

                If you were a victim of sexual assault, whom would you disclose your experience to; your friend, the police, your sibling, a counselor, or perhaps no one at all?  While I feel like I am sure who I would turn to if ever in this situation, I was curious to learn more about whom college women majorly confide in after experiencing the painful and life-changing experience of sexual assault.  It is definitely a difficult situation to even imagine myself in, but it is also impossible not to wonder about as I watch those that lives been completely changed by sexual assault seek support from a counselor, who could be the only person they have disclosed to.

                To learn more about whom victims disclose their experience with, I turned to a study that examined 300+ undergraduate college women from the ‘Violence Against Women’ journal (To Whom Do College Women Confide Following Sexual Assault? A Prospective Study of Predictors of Sexual Assault Disclosure and Social Reactions, 2012).  According to the authors of this article, while rates of sexual assault are extremely high on college campuses, sexual assault remains the most underreported violent crime.  College women rarely report these crimes to police or campus officials, and they are more likely to disclose their experience with an ‘informal support provider,’ such as a friend.  Of all of the informal support providers (mother, siblings/other family members, female peers, male peers), female peers are overwhelmingly chosen as the informal support provider for sexual assault victims to disclose to.

                Prior to even reading this article, I would lump myself in the majority of women that would disclose to a female peer before disclosing to anyone else, even before my mother and my boyfriend. Parallel to this study and like a majority of college women, my peers are most likely to provide emotional support and a non-judgmental response if I would disclose to them.  While I feel extremely blessed to know that I have a support system that I would be able to disclose to, I know that this is not always the case.  However, while still a “formal” support provider, working with counselors that specialize in caring for sexual assault survivors has made me realize that counselors can be an essential support provider for survivors that perhaps have no one else to turn to.

Consent Matters by Juan Cordero Vasquez

The room was as dark as the night was. It reached about 100 degrees Fahrenheit but neither he nor she cared about how hot it was. Sweat dripping from their bodies, but none of them cared about how nasty the sweat was or how bad it smelled. Her parents have chosen to go out that night, and since she was their only child, now 16, she had no need of a babysitter. They have been dating for 2 months and this was going to be the exception of all the nights they wanted to strip each other’s clothes off and experience each other’s bodies, at least that’s what he had in mind. There have been so many instances in which he so desperately wanted to have sex with her. But why hasn’t he?

Every time he tried, she would smile, look at him and tell him she wasn’t prepared yet. She has come from a very traditional family and always held the value of marriage close to her heart. Nevertheless, she is human, and feels the temptations that change lives forever. She has never thought of having sex with him although she liked him for how much of a bad boy he looked like, how well-known he was around at the high school she attends and the straight-out-of-a-magazine car he drives. She had a future, and she knew it, what she didn’t know was how a 21 years-old man who hangs around the high school he graduated from, with the only purpose of taking young girls home to take their virginity away. He loved nothing more but his looks and has been experienced sexually since he was 12.She had fallen for him and it was getting harder and harder to keep his hands away from her body.

Although she was bottles of alcohol away from consciousness, he still noticed the confused, scared facial expressions he held at that moment. He didn’t care, nor asked. They have both been kissing for hours and although she felt she wanted him, her values were stronger than her lustful desires. Even after drinking more than enough to get an average drinker drunk. She was afraid she has given him the wrong impression but it has gotten too late. He held her with a strong grip close to his body and initiated the process she wish he never started. She felt scared and helpless and knew that at this point she could not do much but wait. How could she bare embarrassing herself like that in front of him? Although she had told him “no” so many times before, she felt guilty inside because she felt she had never considered his wants. But still, she feels pain. She desperately needed support at that moment. She didn’t feel comfortable, millions of thoughts running through her mind and anxiety building inside her chest.

After he was done, he got up, put his clothes on and left the room without saying a word.

She cried. She couldn’t tell what hurt more, the physical pain, or the emotional and psychological disturbance she was going through.

She never saw him again.

Consent is nothing more than clear communication between two individuals in order to understand unspoken intentions. Consent plays a major role in sex because it allows both parties to have a clear understanding of each other’s perspective before initiating any sexual activity.

In any relationship you have, make sure you have clear communication with your partner before diving into sex.

Ask. Never assume.

Text Control-The Hidden Agenda- Ashley Bradley University Blogger

With the changing of times and advancing of technology, it is now possible to keep in contact with our significant others more often than a decade ago, thanks to text messaging. Now we can send each other cute messages in the morning rather than calling and possibly waking the other from their beauty sleep. Texting has become very important to everyday life and crucial to relationships. If our boyfriends or girlfriends don’t reply to our texts, we begin to worry, especially if we have no idea where they are or what they are doing. Worrying is normal when you cannot get in contact with the person in any way, shape, or form. Today, some of us will worry or take it personal when it takes someone longer than 10 minutes to reply to a text. When this happens, some people will then send the message again or more messages asking where the person is…

 In a relationship, one might see their significant other texting them so often as a sign that this person really cares about them. This is “cute” at first, especially in new relationships, but it can take a scary turn quickly. Some of us might find ourselves in a situation where our boy(girl)friend asks us where we are every hour that we are not with them, who we are with, what we are doing. Multiple texts turn into constant phone calls and arguments. The thing about texts is that you can’t read someone’s emotions, unless they specifically state their current emotion. This could be a sign of someone who has jealousy or trust issues, but it could be the sign of someone who needs to be in control of another person. Many people do not realize it, but these are many times early indicators of abusive relationships. The arguments over ignored texts and missed phone calls turns into verbal abuse, and that is often followed by physical abuse when the controlling partner reaches their breaking point.

If you find yourself or even a friend complaining about a significant other’s obsessive texts and/or phone calls, take that as a sign to really look at the relationship. Sit down and have a serious talk to explain your feelings and see what the other’s intentions are by doing all of this. Remember, there is nothing wrong with having your own personal free time away from your significant other; you always need personal time, whether that’s time spent alone or with friends. If they can’t respect your personal time, you might have to cut them loose. It’s not always easy to see the signs, but now we know another way to protect ourselves and even our friends from getting caught in a dangerous situation.

How to Support a Friend- Courtney Indiana blogger

I have and will continue to devote my entire summer to interning at a local rape crisis center.  As an intern, I am responsible for entering survey data that is collected at local high schools that have been a part of our sexual assault prevention program during the past year.  As I was going through a pile of anonymous surveys from the high school I graduated from just four years ago, I could not help but wonder if any of these surveys were filled out by my neighbors, relatives or friend’s younger siblings.  Even more so, I imagined myself sitting in that classroom four years ago next to a student that may have circled “yes” when asked “have you ever been a victim of sexual assault?” without me ever knowing.

                When I was in high school, this program sadly did not exist.  However, going through the surveys from my high school made me wonder if I would have known how to support a friend that was sexually assaulted when I was that age and without the experience I have working in the field of sexual assault as I have today.  With that being said, I find it extremely important to share the most necessary components you must know if your friend discloses a sexual assault to you.  (For the purpose of this blog, I will use “her” when describing your friend; however I completely understand that men are also victims of sexual assault).

Feel extremely honored that your friend has disclosed to you.  With that said, keep whatever your friend discloses you between you and her.

               

Believe your friend. Don’t ever place blame on your friend or ask her any questions regarding her actions surrounding the assault.

Be sure to assure and remind your friend that is it not her fault.

Listen! Let your friend lead the conversation, and do not pry for information that your friend does not give you on her own. Maintain eye contact to show your friend that your attention is all hers.

Encourage your friend to seek medical attention and counseling, but make sure not to place pressure on your friend.  Sexual assault takes away a victim’s voice, so letting her make her own decisions is extremely important.  If your friend decides she does want counseling, call your local rape crisis hotline for counseling services within your area.

Try not to express your own feelings regarding your friend’s situation or sexual assault.

Be patient.  Healing from a sexual assault can be a very long process, and the process varies from person to person.  Reassure your friend that you are there for her through the entire healing process.

                Keep in mind that these are a few tips to turn to if a friend ever discloses a sexual assault to you, but remember that everyone’s reaction to sexual assault will vary.  If you feel that you need help being a helper, contact a 24/7 rape crisis hotline for more guidance and potential resources to help your friend in this traumatic time.  If you are not sure of a local hotline, you can call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656-HOPE for a national hotline.

Drunk Means No Consent by blogger Ashley from Bradley University

Going away to college is a big change for young adults. We are constantly surrounded by our peers now, and many of us are greatly influenced by them. Drinking is a big social activity on campuses, and many (if not most) students participate in drinking activities. Girls and guys go to parties, drink a little, meet up with one another, and sometimes hit it off. Many times we hear of girls and guys waking up next to someone they don’t know, and they have no recollection of what happened the previous night. Girls tend to be more vulnerable in these situations. We have a little too much to drink, meet some “great” guy, and go back to their place. At that moment, we think that is what we want, to go further, or we are too out of it to really say “no”. The thing that many college students don’t necessarily know before entering school is that you cannot honestly consent to sex when drunk since your mental process is clouded. For this reason, so many girls are devastated when they find out that they have slept with these guys. Many guys will argue that the girl did not say “no” or stop them, but if she was drunk, do you really think she was in her right mind? I know a lot of people are excited after having a one-night-stand with an attractive person, but there are many people who are not so excited for reasons like this. So guys and gals, protect yourselves and know your rights and the law. If the person is drunk (especially when you know that you are not), it’s safe to just abstain from sex for the night and not have a possible sexual assault/rape case at hand. 

Como prevenir asalto sexual por medio de la intervención del espectador? by Olive Harvey College Blogger Juan Cordero Vasquez

Tanto hombres como mujeres pueden prevenir el asalto sexual de muchas maneras. Una de las varias maneras de prevenir el asalto sexual es por el medio de la intervención del espectador. Pero que exactamente es la intervención del espectador?

La intervención activa del espectador es un enfoque que nos permite identificar situaciones que puedan terminar en asalto sexual haciendo que la persona intervenga para prevenir algún tipo de asalto sexual.  Tanto hombres como mujeres pueden ser estas personas que se enfocan en prevenir el asalto sexual por medio de observación. Digamos que está en la fiesta de graduación de Universidad de su mejor amiga y el licor está en abundancia. Todas las personas en la fiesta se están poniendo un poco fuera de control pero parece que todos se están divirtiendo. En una de las esquinas del sótano en donde la fiesta está situada nota que su mejor amiga está siendo acorralada por un muchacho que se acerca más y más a ella cada segundo que pasa.  Aparentemente el muchacho está borracho, pero no tan borracho como su mejor amiga. Usted ya tiene una idea de lo que podrá pasar si no interviene a tiempo. Estas sugerencias podrán ser de ayuda en esta situación:

1.      Tome acción a tiempo. La idea es tener tiempo suficiente para intervenir antes de que tu amiga sea otra víctima de asalto sexual.

2.      Llame a un amigo o a un grupo de amigos para que le ayuden a transportar a su amiga a un lugar seguro, lejos de peligro.

3.      Llame alas autoridades si no tiene control de la situación.

4.      No deje su amiga sola por ninguna circunstancia.

5.      Distraiga la situación, haciendo lo que sea posible para que pare al muchacho de seguir el acoso.

How can you prevent sexual assault through bystander intervention? Olive Harvey College- Juan Blogger

Men and women can prevent sexual assault in many ways. One of the many ways it’s Bystander Intervention. But what exactly is Bystander intervention?

Active Bystander Intervention is an approach that encourages people to identify situations that might lead to sexual assault leading that person to intervene in order to prevent the assault from happening. Both men and women could be active bystander interveners. Let’s say you are at your best friend’s college graduation party and the alcohol is in abundance. Everyone is getting a little out of control yet everyone seems to be having a great time. On one of the corners of the basement you notice a guy that is close in distance to your best friend and he’s consistently getting closer and closer while she is literally drunk out of her consciousness. You already know, or might have an idea of what might happen to your best friend if this isn’t stopped right away. Here are some suggestions on what to do in this instance:

 Act in time. The idea is to have enough time to intervene before your friend is yet another victim of sexual assault.


 Call a group of friends or friend at the party to help you get your best friend to a safe place as soon as possible.


 Call authorities if you have no control over the situation.


  Stay by your friend’s side at all times.


 Drift the situation away by doing anything that would disturb the guy from continuing his attempts.

Sexual Assault in the Workplace by Courtney Indiana University

Four years have gone by, faster than I could have ever expected, and I am now a college graduate.  The risk of sexual assault while in college is well known for college women, as it is generally common knowledge that 1 in 4 college women will become a victim of sexual assault during her academic career.  Because of this alarming and realistic statistic, sexual assault preventative resources and services were readily available around my campus, ranging from student run organizations, Greek organizations, philanthropic events and health care services.

                

Now that I am a college graduate and I am preparing for the next stage of my life – becoming a member of the work force, I wonder, are the same sexual  assault resources going to be available to me as a working woman that were available to me as a college student?  In order to find out more, I browsed around the website www.workplacesrespond.org, which is a national resource center that encourages workplaces to respond to domestic and sexual violence. This website is a great resource to learn about sexual and domestic violence within the workplace and to learn how to implement appropriate responses to violence within one’s place of work.

               

  Through out my college experience, the statistic that I stated before (1 out of 4 college women will be a victim of sexual assault while in college) was continuously used as a basis for sexual assault prevention programs and to encourage students to do their part in preventing and spreading awareness about sexual assault.  As I have been in this college bubble for four years, and as difficult as it is to admit, it made it seem as if sexual assault was primarily, if not only, a problem on college campuses.  However, as I have learned and come to realize, that is not at all the case.  According to www.workplacesrespond.org, the U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 8% of sexual assaults occur while a victim is working.  While this percentage is not huge, it still opened my eyes to the reality that even now that I am a college graduate, I still face similar fears of sexual violence as I did as an undergraduate college student.

                

I encourage all readers, especially college graduates, to browse over this website in order to learn more about sexual assault within the workplace, and how to implement prevention resources within your future place of work.  Now that we are members of the “real world,” it is our responsibility to continue doing our part to prevent and spread awareness about sexual assault the same way we did as college students.

Ashley Bradley University Blogger-Center for Prevention of Abuse

I recently had the opportunity to visit the Center for Prevention of Abuse, the only agency in Illinois that provides combined services for domestic violence, sexual assault, and elder abuse. Located in central Illinois, it is a safe haven for victims. Some of the sororities on my university’s campus actually donate money and items to this agency as part of their philanthropy. All of the services and items that the Center for Prevention of Abuse provides for its clients are thanks to donations. The types of services they provide include prevention, violence intervention, therapy, advocacy, domestic violence family centered, sexual assault, and senior services. Their main location actually provides emergency and transitional housing for high-risk (or “Priority Level 3”, as they rank those who may be admitted here) clients whose lives are in great danger. Many people will call in for help from this agency, and they provide them with the best resources to help them. They even offer programs for abusers (the Family Violence Intervention Project is connected with the Peoria County Family Justice Center), which will help them learn how to build positive, violence-free relationships. The services offered are very helpful to both victims and abusers to get them back on a positive path in life.

The Center for Prevention of Abuse is very protective of its clients. When it comes to their main facility, people cannot freely walk into the building. One must be buzzed in, or workers have to scan to enter the building and even certain areas within the building. With such high security because of the housing, it makes sense that the agency doesn’t list their address openly on their website. This is a place where survivors can truly feel safe, and I am happy that a place like this exists.

If you would like to know more about the Center for Prevention of Abuse and how you can help, visit their website at www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org.

Sexual Assault Prevention? There’s an app for that!-Courtney Indiana Blogger

As April showers are upon us once again, so is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  What is different about Sexual Awareness month in April 2012 is the publicity of the new free iPhone application called ‘Circle of 6,’ which is an app that was made in effort to prevent and spread awareness about sexual assault.  This app enables you to pick 6 trustworthy friends to put in your safety “circle,” and anytime you feel that you are stuck in an uncomfortable situation or conversation, you can simply press an icon on the app and it will send your location to the members of your circle to come pick you up or call you with a distraction.  The app even gives you instant access to local hotline or emergency numbers in cases when you are in immediate danger.

                I felt so proud of our technology-surrounded generation when I heard about this app.  While I admit to constantly checking up on social networking apps, such as Twitter and Facebook, and challenging my friends to a game of Words with Friends, I find these apps to be a waste-of-space compared to the Circle of 6 app, which I downloaded immediately after finding out about it.  I tend to get frustrated with how technology driven the college-aged generation is, and how at times it seems that the basis of our relationships are surrounded by social networking sites and texting, rather than meeting for coffee or calling each other on the phone.  However knowing that this new app is bringing social networking and sexual assault prevention together while bringing us access to such a powerful and safety-driven app really sheds new light onto the motivations and interests of our generation.  It is amazing that after only two short weeks this app was downloaded by 20,000 iPhone users trying to reduce their risk of becoming a victim of sexual assault.

                Most powerful about this new app is that when I added my 6 trustworthy friends to my circle, I then told them about the app, and then they downloaded the app and added 6 friends to their circle, who then they told their 6 friends about the app, and the cycle of awareness continues.  This app shows how spreading awareness can be as easy as letting a friend know that there is a way to reduce his/her risk of being victimized by sexual assault just by taking a few seconds to download a free app.

                 

The Bystander Approach and the Need for Men’s Help-Indiana Blogger- Courtney

The bystander approach suggests that “individuals in a community can intervene when faced with situations involving interpersonal violence,” and this approach is often used in sexual assault prevention programs (Dick, A., McMahon, S., 2011).  Because interpersonal violence (IPV), in specific physical and sexual assault, and stalking, consists of violence inflicted on women more so than men, recent research has focused on the need of men to be involved in IPV programs.

However, men are less likely to intervene due to socially constructed expectations of what it is to be masculine, which consists of being heterosexual, strong and sexually able. Men may not intervene when seeing or hearing about IPV due to fear other men will think they are homosexual or weak, due to these social norms.

In a study on male’s attitudes of the bystander approach (Dick, A., McMahon, S., 2011) it was found that men do in fact think IPV is a very serious problem, and it is should be the responsibility of men to act on it.  However, the researchers also found that males still express anxiety when talking about actually intervening, which again suggests that cultural definitions of masculinity may make men hesitant in getting involved in IPV prevention programs. 

This study really makes me wonder about our power to change social norms and gendered expectations.  One of my Gender Studies professors constantly emphasizes that because social norms and scripts are socially constructed, we, as a society have the power to change them.  Because more women are sexually assaulted then men, it is viewed as a “woman’s issue,” and thus women are expected to be the ones that are proactive in preventing sexual assault, while similar expectations may men resist intervening in fear of threatening their masculinity.  These social norms are glued to our minds because of the way sexual assault, femininity and masculinity are depicted in our society, and only WE have the power to alter these norms to make the world a better and safer place for both genders to live simultaneously/at the same time.

Men; You Can Help by our Kansas blogger-Chris

It is widely assumed that sexual assault only happens to women.  Pop culture portrays it this way but it couldn’t be further from the truth.  In reality one in ten sexual assault victims is male.  Although this pales in comparison to the numbers you see about female sexual assault, it should be a call to action for men everywhere.  Sexual assault happens and you can help in several ways.

If you are in college you can get involved with the programs at your school.  Check with your school’s involvement center or women’s resource center.  You can help instruct self-defense classes or join a buddy program.  At my school there is a program called JayWalk where volunteers will meet you where you are and walk you to your car at night.  If your school doesn’t have it, make it happen.

If you are out of school you can still help.  Look for organizations in your community that support sexual assault victims.  It could be answering phones on a hot line or accommodating someone at a safe house. 

There is no need to pretend like sexual assault does not happen.  The issue has become taboo and the only people willing to stand up and fight are women when it can happen to anyone.  Men; you can help.  Show your support for both male and female sexual assault victims.  Stand up with the victims and survivors of sexual assault.

Girl Power- by Chicago Blogger Diane

One of my favorite parts of the movie "Miss Congeniality" is when Agent Gracie Hart, posing as contestant Gracie Lou Freebush, performs during the talent round of the Miss United States pageant. She originally wanted to play the glass harp but the other Miss United States contestants drink all the water out of the glass harp. So as a last minute decision, she decides to show the audience some self defense using the acronym S.I.N.G. (Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin). While it is a humorous scene to watch, the skill of self defense is no laughing matter.

Self-defense is a potential life saving skill. Taking a self defense class will give you more confidence and it can bring out that fighting spirit in you. Knowing how to defend yourself in an attack situation occurs, will give you confidence and peace of mind. For those in Chicago IMPACT Chicago is a great place to take a self defense class in the city. Founded in 1987, IMPACT "is committed to ending violence and building a non-violent world in which all people can live safely and with dignity"( www.impactchicago.org).  

In another scene in Miss Congeniality, the main character Agent Gracie and a beauty queen Cheryl Frasier are in a nightclub, Cheryl speaks of a time in college where her professor attacked her and she didn’t report it. When Gracie asks why she didn’t report the crime Cheryl speaks that her experience happens all the time and is not a big deal. It is a big deal; while statistics don’t lie 1 in 5 women in college will be a victim of sexual assault. This crime doesn’t have to be with prevention being the key to discussing this crime and the reality of it, before it becomes the normal experience.  Let’s start the discussion of why the crime of sexual assault needs to be not part of anyone’s coming of age experience. Send us your comments on ways to discuss breaking the silence of this crime at your school to gwen@leilagrace.org or tweet us. 

Sisterly Love by Courtney

Sisterly Love

Being a member of a sorority, I would like to think that I know my loyal sisters inside and out, however, when it comes to sexual assault, this is far from the case.  I find it extremely heartbreaking that I have spent hours upon hours sharing stories with the women I call my best friends, yet speaking about sexual assault is not commonly dinner-table conversation, to say the least. 

So when can this conversation take place?  When can these women have a chance to share their stories without feeling alienated or as if they are finally coming clean about something they feel they have kept from their sisters?  I understand speaking about one’s experience with sexual assault is not by any means a quick and easy process, so I wanted to give my sisters an opportunity to speak up in a private manner.

In order to do so, I sent out a survey to my entire sorority, in hopes that my sisters would feel comfortable sharing their personal views and stories in a completely anonymous manner.  Out of 10 questions, there was one in particular that really boggled my mind.  When asked the question “have you or someone you know ever been a victim of sexual assault?” 80% of my sisters, my best friends, responded “yes.”  I have heard time and time again, 1 out of 5 college women have been victimized by sexual assault, but this statistic sparked a personal realization when I acknowledged that there are women that live under the same roof as my own that have survived a sexual assault.  These are the women I sit next to at every meal, and who knows if they have ever shared their painful experience or if they are aware of the confidential resources available to them?

Survivors of sexual assault feel that their freedom of choice and ability to use their voice has been violently taken from them.  While I felt helpful in giving my sisters a voice through a survey, I feel that that is not nearly enough.  Within the Greek community at Indiana University, there is a program called “Safe Sisters,” which consists of a few women from each sorority that are supposed to emotionally support, provide resources and give a voice to their sisters following a sexual assault.  However, an alarming 70% of my sisters were not aware that these resources even exist within our chapter.   How will my sisters ever speak up about their experience if they are not even aware that they are living down the hall from a sister who is more than willing to listen and to be a shoulder to cry on?

This lack of awareness really got me thinking.  Crucial and proactive sexual assault prevention programs, such as Safe Sisters, and any other programs around campus need to be known!  Whether they are publicized through fliers around campus or spreading the word to other Greek organizations, awareness is a necessary factor in giving sexual assault survivors their voice back.

Post 1-Rape culture in today's society-By Blogger Soma

If you follow the Daily Beast, or even the Gawker Twitter account, you might have seen an opinion piece by one Rikki Kleiman regarding a rape allegation recently raised against Greg Kelly, a local NYC TV anchor and son of NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly. In the piece, Kleiman asserts that the real victim of this case is Greg Kelly, not the accuser. The comments made by Kleiman are surprising to say the least, especially if you consider her history - she used to prosecute rape cases in Massachusetts and is currently a member of the board for the Rape Treatment Center in Los Angeles, California. Her whole theory is that there is no way to know what happened when Kelly and his accuser went up to the accuser's office (where the rape allegedly occurred) and that all of the recently published "evidence" (published mostly by tabloids, hence the quotations) points towards a consensual relationship. So what is this recently published "evidence"? Sexual texts between Kelly and the accuser before and after their date, an alleged abortion of a pregnancy caused by the alleged rape, and the three-month delay in reporting the crime. Kleiman then goes on to bring up other high-profile rape allegations in which the defendant was falsely accused. In this same piece, she says things like "even a prostitute can be raped," but that there is no doubt that this woman who aggressively pursued Kelly and is just upset that he spurned her advances. She ends all of this with a statement on how we have to create an environment in which victims need to feel comfortable about reporting rape. 

It's a bit confusing, isn't it? To have a someone with a background like Kleiman's say these things. Her comments about how Kelly's accuser is just doing this out of anger and spite because he didn't like her - comments like that are exactly what create an unwelcoming environment for rape victims. By writing something like this, she and the Daily Beast have just stoked the flames of insecurity that so many victims experience. It would be one thing to derive a judgement if the published "evidence" was presented in a trial, but to take the words of numerous tabloids as fact is highly irresponsible. This case is only about a week old, and for anyone to question the accuser's character at this point is premature. Why don't we all wait to see if this even goes to trial, which will be a whole other unsettling issue if it doesn't.

Leila Grace Foundation Blog Post #1- January- Diane

What is compassion? Compassion is the “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Most of us exemplify compassion in our daily lives- when we give some spare change to someone that is homeless, when we offer to help a classmate with math problems that they are struggling with, or when we help a friend have a good time after a painful breakup.

The one area where compassion seems to be lacking is in the cases of sexual assault and rape. Some people have a lack of compassion for survivors of these tragedies. They reason that the victims “asked for it” because of the way they were dressed or the way they acted.  These people don’t understand how their lack of compassion affects the survivors. What these people need to understand is that it is not the survivors’ fault. They were not asking to be assaulted or raped. Survivors go through enough mental turmoil following the incidences; they don’t need more of it from insensitive people.

While it may be hard for people to comfort or understand what a survivor is going through, demonstrating compassion is a good first step. If the survivor wants to share what happened, listen to them. Actually try to understand what they are going through but don’t pretend you already know. Second, give your support. Offer to go with them to the hospital or police station. Show that you want to accompany them so they don’t have to go alone. Just having you there could mean the world to the survivors.

Healing Journey

Healing Journey 

I can’t believe the end of the year is upon us.  To close out the year, I have re-read the blogs I have written.  Here are the titles:

• May- Healing Journey/I Said Nothing
• June- How often do you think about the attack?
• July- What about dating?
• August- What about have the conversation?
• September- Sex Not Rape…Rape Not Sex
• October- Bystander Intervention, Partying Responsibly, & Sexual Assault Prevention
• November- Will it ever stop?

The first thing that strikes me is four out of the seven blog titles are questions and one is a slash.  I think, in general, whatever comes after the slash is closer to the truth.  The after-slash title was the first title of May’s blog.  I did say nothing.  This haunts me the most of that entire situation.  I did not respond in the way I always said I would if something like that happened to me.  On the contrary, I became Silence.  More guarded than Fort Knox, Silence ran my life for a long time. 
If I could re-write the story from the beginning of the night, it would go like this:
I am so excited to hang out with my friends tonight.  We haven’t all been together in so long.  Two hours later. Whoa, I am feeling pretty drunk.  I better slow down.  Shit, I am going to puke.  I look at my friends and ask them to take me home.  This is unlike me and I just need some fresh air, my own bed, and some water. 
If I could re-write the story from the point of leaving the bar, it would go like this:
“Jayne, do you want me to take you home?”  “No,” I say.  “I will get a ride with your brother, his friend, and Rick.”  Upon our return home.  “We want to hook up.  Can Rick sleep in your bed?”  I reply with a “Nope.  Sorry about that.  I need some sleep and you can hook up with Rick passed out on the next couch if you really want.”
If I could re-write the story from the moment I woke up, face down, suffocating on the sheets, with my body being invaded.
“What the fuck?”  I scream.  Yell “Stop.  Get off me.  I don’t want this. No.”  I fight until he stops.  I kick him out of my house.  I call the police and press charges. 
Many questions run through my mind about how and why I did not do anything to stand up for myself, to fight back, to stop him from hurting other women.  Perhaps this is why over half the blog titles are questions.  Perhaps this is why I have spent so much of the last ten years advocating for what is right, even when it is against the odds.  I have been trained in Bystander Intervention.  I have created “Responsible drinking” campaigns.  I have served the underprivileged and disadvantaged. In a way, this work empowers me the way I wish I was empowered that night. 
The two titles that are clear, concise statements reflect the solutions that have worked for me on my healing journey.  Both very personal, yet applicable to the situation in general.  If more people understood and embraced their sexual development, perhaps we would have a cultural norm that respected sex and physical intimacy between people.  If more people knew how to intervene, perhaps perpetrators’ friends would stop them.  After all, peer pressure goes a long way.  Finally, if we responsibly partied, maybe a lot of this would be preventable.
Ultimately, I don’t know the one right way for all people to respond should they find themselves victims and survivors of sexual assault.  There are so many ways.  I suppose my one piece of advice (among many throughout the blogs) is to talk to a professional as soon as possible who will help you understand your rights, who has only your best interest at heart.  Most major cities and universities have a sexual assault response center and/or women’s center with staff trained specially in this area.  Ask for help. 
As my time writing for the Leila Grace Foundation blog comes to a close, I hope a tiny morsel of information has helped you.  At the very least, I hope it has increased your awareness of a personal, real-life story of friend rape.  This monthly reflection has been invaluable for my own healing journey.   Thank you for reading and please let me know how I might help you on your journey.